Cookies, Jacket Potatoes and OMLET V1.001

Culinary Corner

And yet someone actually looked into the “culinary corner” (my condolences). It was created only because Pyza kept moaning that if he didn’t have to write most of the articles for ZX LAND, he’d get down to doing some proper graphics. Kriss, who is normally a culinary expert (quote: “Ketchup is the best”), is doing a school project and has no time to write anything, while Scalman is giving lectures on the usefulness of the Z80. That is why I (Mały) have started writing this article.

First up: cookies (shortbread ones; don’t eat them over the keyboard—unless it’s an aTARI). If anyone knows how to make icing, I recommend it, I recommend it...

Here are the ingredients you’ll need to gather at home (in a cardboard box / sewer / rubbish bin):

• 1 kg of flour
• 40 dkg of lard
• 3 large chicken eggs
• 1/4 l of sour cream (or a little more)
• A little milk and granulated sugar (if you know how to make icing, make that instead of using the milk and sugar)

And a bit of hardware, too:

• A kitchen knife (not bloodstained)
• A pastry board (a smooth, flat and clean surface on which you’ll do everything)
• Something to cut cookie shapes out of the rolled dough
• Something to cut a hole (1 cm in diameter) in each cookie
• A pot for the milk
• A brush for painting the cookies with milk
• An oven with fuel
• A wooden rolling pin
• A little plate for the sugar
• An oven tray

And now... How do you do IT?

Take one measure (1 kg) of flour, 40 measures (40 dkg) of lard, and 3 chicken eggs bought at the marketplace, then chop a quart of sour cream with an axe, adding it until the dough starts to emerge from the slime. Knead briefly, until the dough comes together. Take the wooden rolling pin and roll until the dough is as thick as a cassette lying flat. Then cut cookies out of the sheet and make holes in them, because without holes all your work goes to the devil. Next, take the brush and paint one side of each cookie with milk, then roll that same side in sugar (if you have icing, skip the last sentence and ice the cookies). Arrange everything on the oven tray and, when it’s full, put it in the oven, heated to twice the fires of hell (200°C). Keep an eye on the cookies and, as soon as they’re golden-brown, take them out quickly and cheerfully serve them to your guests.

Now something for total beginners—potatoes. I’ll give you a recipe for jacket potatoes, because, as everyone knows, “the ladies queue up for a man in uniform.” “Bierkowe” potatoes aren’t exactly fast food, unfortunately, but never mind. You can use that time to pack a short block with IMPLODER, write Pyza a little letter, copy a few programs...

Here are the instructions:

• Choose the finest potatoes—young ones, possessing extraordinary beauty—and wash them in water. This won’t harm their good looks.
• Boil as much water as you need to cover all the potatoes in the pot.
• Throw the potatoes into the boiling water and play games for about twenty minutes.
• Then, every two of musician Kriss’s tunes, check whether the potatoes have reached the proper softness. Once they have, take them out of the pot and serve them on a plate.
• Peel the potatoes (take off their uniforms), season with salt and enjoy.

The next dish will involve eggs, and it will be...

OMLET V1.001

Required kitchen configuration:

• Frying pan—usable surface area of 39.25 square centimetres
• Eggs—over 4.5 cm long; quantity: 3
• A coated ceramic mug
• A device that uses the phenomenon of surface tension to produce foam from chicken egg white (a whisk)
• “Poznań-style” flour
• Vegetable fat for protecting the pan’s usable surface
• Jam—any type
• A vessel shaped like an open cylinder, made from an iron-carbon alloy
• A heating element for the frying pan

Experiment procedure:

Mechanically separate the egg yolks from the whites, putting the yolks in the coated ceramic mug and the whites in the open-cylinder-shaped vessel. Add 1.5 tablespoons of flour to the yolks and mix thoroughly. If the density of the resulting substance makes it very difficult to move the mixing device around in the ceramic mug, add about 30 ml of hydrogen oxide. Once the above steps are complete, use surface tension to produce foam from the egg whites. To do this, place the “whisk” in the open-cylinder-shaped vessel and move it according to this sequence:

1. Raise the “whisk” about 5 cm.
2. Quickly lower the “whisk” deep into the open-cylinder-shaped vessel.
3. If foam has formed from all the egg white, stop; if not, go to step 1.

Next, add the substance from the ceramic mug to the substance in the open-cylinder-shaped vessel and mix. Once mixing is complete, heat the vegetable fat on the pan’s usable surface with the help of the heating element. Pour the solution from the open-cylinder-shaped vessel onto this prepared surface. Fry on both sides until it solidifies and the reflected wave changes to a wavelength of about 0.59 micrometres (golden colour). Transfer the omelette prepared in this way to a plate with a usable surface similar to that of the pan, and use a spreading device to spread jam on one side of the omelette. The omelette is ready for human consumption.

And that’s the end. In the next instalment, we (ja&KRISS) will explain how to make a block (Very Good!!!).

Send any comments, donations (oh yes!) for the development of the culinary corner, etc. to:

Mały (Piotr Sławiński)
ul. Królowej Jadwigi 1b/21
59-800 Lubań śl.
tel. 63-20

(Call if, after 1000 prayers, the messenger still hasn’t brought you a reply to your letter. The phones will be answered as soon as the rooster crows.)

— Mały