AMERICAN JOKES.
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- Sir, you could not borrow
me 200 dollars for a cup of coffee?
- Two hundred? Coffee?
- And you know what, you want me to
stated in a restaurant in this
rags?
*
Secretary:
- Chef, I have two news: good and bad.
- Let's good!
- Chef, you do not suffer from infertility.
*
- You are so perfectly proved himself - says the manager of a
young officer - that the Board of Directors decided to appoint
you as the manager of our office in Toronto.
- If possible, I would refrain, sir. You see, all of the
Canadian population, in my opinion, is divided into prostitutes
and hockey players.
- Young man, I asked
would you! Incidentally, my wife
Canadian.
- Really? And which team
she plays?
*
A history lesson in a school
New England. Teacher:
- Why did the Puritans left
England and sailed to America?
Student:
- To be able to
practice their religion freely,
without fear of persecution, and
coerce others to do so.
*
Judge:
- Mr. Jackson, you are charged with that drive in the state
of alcohol intoxication. What can you say
in your defense?
Accused:
- Your honor, as soon as I
realized that I'm tipsy, I immediately turned on the sidewalk.
*
- Hey, Bob, do not change a piece of paper into $ 18?
- Easily! You like, two of
nine or three to six?
*
At Uncle Ben's obsession
idea. He feels that he is a chicken.
- Why do not you show
his psychiatrist?
- Well, yes. And to remain without fresh
eggs for breakfast?
*
Wife:
- How can you drink this stuff?
Male:
- That here, as you say
I am pleased to spend time.
*
- Hey, bartender! I found a way
through which you can
sell twice as much beer.
- What is it, sir?
- Pour circles the top.
*
The family returned from church.
All unhappy: her father did not like the sermon, the mother -
the choir, daughter thought that the church
benches are too stiff and uncomfortable.
- Interesting, but why would you want for a dollar? Genuinely
surprised son.
*
Passer-by refers to the villagers, at whose feet
perched impressive size shepherd:
- Excuse me, sir, your dog
does not bite?
- My? None.
At this moment the sheep quietly bites passerby in the leg.
- You said that it was not
Bites!
- Who told you that this is
my dog?
*
In the artist's studio comes to his friend and enthusiastic
examines one of the paintings.
- Very cool! How much would you
would like for it to get?
- Ten thousand.
- Listen, do you appoint a
price as if you are already a hundred years,
both died.
*
- Do you know why this hotel
always empty?
- No.
- Because they are hanged
announcement: "Here you'll
feel like home. "
*
Mashalsky bestowed on a visit to
rural relatives.
- How do you like us? -
they ask him.
- Wonderful! It only remains
wonder why there before
still have not built the city.
*
- You do not even wonder why I'm crying! - Blames wife
husband. - Do you want to say?
- No no, I do not have such
Money ...
*
- My wife is the most horrible memory in the world.
- All forgotten?
- Everyone remembers ...
*
The young Corsican Requests
his friend:
- Lend me twenty francs
until payday!
- Up to Pay? - Asks
pal. - When is it?
- I have no idea! After all, it's you
Working ...
*
Sergeant collects soldiers and
announces:
- Next Sunday will be a military parade. If the morning
it will rain, the parade will be held on
afternoon, and if
rain will be in the afternoon, the parade will be held in the
morning ...
*
- Why are you sitting at the piano,
because you do not know how to play?
- To ensure that this does not
sat someone who thinks
knows what.
*
At the meeting, school friends classmate says a friend:
- The only thing I can afford, it's music, women and wine, as
gas, food and rent I can not afford.
*
By purchasing tobacco shops in the matches, the priest
discovered that He has no money with him.
- I can invite you in return
to preach, but I'm afraid that
I do not have any value in
50 cents, "he said in jest
Stallman.
- Nothing. I come twice.
*
The Mistress of new hires
nurse.
- And why you withheld from
former employment?
- I once forgot to buy
Child.
Voice of Children:
- We take it, Mom!
*
- Well, so what you are doing in school today?
- We are looking for the lowest denominator.
- The lowest common denominator? Wait, let me remember! So
we are also looking for when I
at school. Such a small
little ... Well, as found?
*
- Well what can I do? Dreaming
married and never are pleased to his
Mother: none of my girls
she does not like ...
- Very simple. We need to find one that looks like her!
- I found both the father rolled
Scandal ...
*
- Sir, so far
then I could have something like on my meager salary, but my
kids have learned that other children are eating each day ...
*
The police detained in the street
stroller and brought before a judge.
- Did not I say that
do not want to see you? -
the judge asked.
- They said Mr. Judge! AND
I told police stations, but they do not
believe ...
*
- Today you have a cough is better
Trans.
- Thanks, I practiced all night!
*
- At last I managed to wean her husband biting his nails!
- How?
- I hid his false teeth ...
*
Wife applied for
divorce. The judge asked her husband:
- When I started a quarrel between
you and your wife?
- June 10, 1965.
- Long. However, surprising that
the fact that you are well aware that
date!
- You bet it does not remember! The same
our wedding day.
*
Husband came home from a meeting
with former classmates and their
is proud to announce to his wife:
- You can not imagine how all admired my
teeth!
- Oh, God! I hope you are not their
let the circle?
*
- Two days ago my husband left
from home and never returned, said
wife at the police station. Here
his picture.
- And what was he dressed?
- He was wearing gray pants
oily stains, the shirt without
two buttons, one blue sock and
the other brown and blue sweater, patched with white thread.
*
Summarizing ended
season, the owner of the fashionable
hotel on the French Riviera
anxiously tells his wife:
- I see, my dear Edith, that
Next season we will have to
some rooms have lower prices.
- Why?
- To have to stop and millionaires poorer.
*
At one of the Pacific Islands traveler asks
natives:
- You are not afraid to get on
such a high palm tree when it comes time to collect coconuts
Nuts?
- For us, it makes the wind ...
- And if there is no wind?
- Then this year we have bad
harvest ...
*
Having carefully reviewed the menu, the restaurant visitor
asked the waiter:
- Of what is your signature dish, "chicken a la Peugeot?
- Of chicken, got under
wheel machine of our chef.
*
- Yesterday, I won the lottery
one hundred thousand!
- And how to react
your wife?
- She was numb with joy.
- The same should be so much happiness at once!
*
Five year Carole asks
Father:
- Dad, you know, as far as the single tube of tooth
pasta?
- I do not know, son.
- On the whole hall, living room and
half the loggia ...
*
Newly made husband asks
wife:
- Honey, this pie you yourself
hell?
- Yes. I prepared him a prescription, which gave me yours
mother.
- Yeah, everything is clear. I see that she forgot to warn
you that this cake was the main reason for the father her
divorce.
*
After meeting with her husband who is serving a prison term
in Baltimore, his wife came to the director jail and asks him
to give her husband the work easier.
- We have as yet no one ruptured on adhesive paper bags, Mrs.
Smith.
- Oh, yeah. But my husband says
at night he had and what it digs a tunnel ...
*
Svensson played golf.
- Damn it! Again he missed! He swore when he
no luck.
- Not so expressed.
The Lord hears and will amaze you
lightning sky! edifying
said the pastor happened to be nearby.
And indeed a flash of lightning and
amazed ... pastor.
- Damn it! Missed!
resounded from the heavens ...
*
Doctor:
- Alcoholic drink?
Patient:
- No, only vysokotorzhestvenym cases.
- What do you think such
cases?
- When I have something to drink!
*
- I am no longer able to live
with the wall, sobbing, complaining
his mother bride. He
makes me nervous because
every trifle, and I'm losing weight right
on the eyes!
- Poor child, immediately go away!
- And leave as soon as he lead me up to 80 kilograms.
*
- How much should I ask for a
Editorial for the ordered me a pamphlet? - Asked the famous
Canadian humorist Stephen Leacock its provincial counterpart.
- All that they have, Joe, but
penny more.
*
Woman in the night time comes
past the cemetery and suddenly notices
some man.
- Sorry, she says, can be
I go with you, I
scary.
- Of course, ma'am.
- Sincerely grateful to you! A
You do not fear the night
time to go to these places?
- I was afraid, as long as was alive ...
*
The program included a computer question:
- Are all mushrooms can have a man?
She replied:
- All but a few of them
only once.
*
Chief surgeon asks
panting patient:
- Why did you run away from the operating room?
- Because my sister said:
"Please do not panic. The operation of appendicitis is the
easiest ..."
- So what? It's really
so!
- Yes, yes. But she said it
not to me but to the young surgeon
with a scalpel!
*
The teacher asked the essay
on the topic "What would I do if
would have received a million? ". Half an hour later a boy rose
from his seat and approached her, holding a
two sheets with some calculations.
- Excuse me, Miss, "he said,
but is it possible to add another 100
thousands?
*
One farmer's barn burned down.
An insurance agent told him that
instead of money for an insurance policy to him to rebuild the
barn.
- Once you have such a practice,
said the farmer, then I revoke
insurance for my wife.
*
- Why do you argue with a client? Do not you know that
customer is always right?
- I know, of course! But it argues that it is not right!
*
The restaurant is a visitor accesses the waiter:
- What's the last time you
markedly reduced portions.
- It's an optical illusion, Pan.
Simply, we expanded the room, so portions seem smaller.
*
A passing interest in the cost of rooms at the hotel. In the
first floor rooms at $ 50, at
the second 40, third 30 per
night.
Visitor thanked for the information and headed for the exit.
- You do not like our hotel?
- Very well, but it is too low.
*
The Conservatory at the examination of
vocal abiturientka asked
Teacher:
- Excuse me, but I want to know
the truth: my voice is good for nothing?
- No, why? It can
useful, for example, a fire or robbery.
*
Doorbell. Male unlocks.
- I Strangler women from Boston, says the man in the mask
standing in the doorway.
The husband turns around and screams
wife:
- Honey, this is for you to come.
*
There are two friends, not
had seen for 15 years.
- What's new? - Asked
one.
- You know, my wife is unfaithful.
- You have misunderstood me. I
asked: "What news?"
*
A little-known American writer Ted Ziso, the first book
which is gathering dust neraskuplennoy
the stores, gave such an announcement: "multimillionaire
looking for marriage, a girl that looks like Louise from the
Belle Amazon. In three days of his book
became a bestseller.
*
Tell me, dear newlyweds have asked my wife how much
You had men before me? Silence. "Offended!" - Decided the
husband. An hour later, he asked:
- Are you still angry?
- No, I still believe that.
*
- Girls, I'm engaged! - Boasted young secretary
friends from the typing pool. His name is
Robert. He kissed me and said: "Your lips remind me
rose petals. "
- Oh, that Robert ... disappointment, said the secretary
chorus.
*
- What did your wife, when
saw you kissing my neighbor?
- Imagine anything. And those
two front teeth and me so long ago it was time to remove.
*
Commissioner of Police has asked
Young Agent:
- Have you ever seen a lie detector?
- You bet! I even married one of them.
*
- I am fed up! - Complain
old maid, a young man. All
day had to be repeated:
"Yes, ma'am," "Yes, ma'am," "Yes,
Madame! ".
- I also had enough! - Responded to her young. I do all day
only harder: "No, monsieur,"
"No, monsieur," No, sir. "
*
She:
- Are forced to warn you
that my husband would be home by
hour.
He:
- But I'm not doing anything wrong!
She:
- Exactly. And time is running out.
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