BESSOZNANKA.
(C) Dmitry Gromov
________________________________
Commander of the unit (facing
formation of soldiers):
... In our part of the planned
check out the district. Disciplines
alright, military and political training - the same area of
the cleaned, but - lacking some raisins! Who propose
something sensible - received ten days. Leave.
PRIVATE burdock (out of two
step down):
- Comrade Lieutenant Colonel, Private Lopukhov. Allow me to
address. Commander of the unit:
- Treat.
PRIVATE BURDOCK:
- We need to establish a part burbulyator.
Commander of the unit:
- What you need to do?
PRIVATE BURDOCK:
- The new bucket, hammer and
a large nail.
Commander of the unit:
- Bring. (Bring all
these items. Private Lopukhov breaks a nail hole in the bottom
of the bucket, to drive nail into the wall in a conspicuous
place hangs on a nail a bucket, pours
it with water and become close.
The water gurgling, dripping from a bucket).
PRIVATE BURDOCK:
- That is the burbulyator,
Comrade Colonel.
Commander of the unit (angry):
- Burbulyator this - the dump! Private Lopukhov - three
outfits out of turn! And recover from him
for damage to government property!
PRIVATE burdock (depressed):
- There are three outfits out of turn.
Commander of the unit:
- P-p-dismissed! (Burbulyator
tear down the wall and thrown away.
The soldiers disperse. Appears
Check-Out-County.)
Commander of the unit:
- I wish you health, Comrade Colonel!
TESTING-OF-DISTRICT:
- Hello. I looked
your part. All you have to order
- And discipline, and combat and political training, and the
area cleaned, that's not just one understand - why do you have
a new burbulyator lying in a landfill?
(Dumb).
(Staging old
Army jokes).
"... BURBULENTNOST - the ability of a liquid bleed through
glucan burbulyatora discrete
portions of a strictly defined time intervals. Determined
burbulyativnym (glyukalometricheskim) analysis.
BURBULYATIVNY ANALYSIS - see
Glyukalometrichesky analysis.
BURBULYATOR - Vessels, designed for burbulyatsii liquids.
Distinguish one mnogoglyukalnye burbulyatory, vacuum, the press
and burbulyatory burbulyatory battery.
BURBULYATOR BATTERY (Burbuller) - multiple-burbulyatornaya
installation.
BURBULYATSIYA - outflow of fluid through the discrete
portions glucan burbulyatora.
Vacuum BURBULYATOR - burbulyator, which over the surface
fluid creates an artificial
depression to slow burbulyatsii liquids with high
burbulentnostyu.
GLYUKAGENT (Burbuliruyuschy
agent) - the liquid is poured into the
burbulyator.
Glucan:
1. Portable burbulyator.
2. Hole in the bottom burubulyato pa, which occurs through
burbulirovanie fluid.
GLYUKALOMETRICHESKY (Burbulyativny) - Analysis of the liquid
on burbulentnost; made
through a secret method of N 0013-N.
PRESS BURBULYATOR-burbulyator,
where above the liquid surface is created artificially
excessive pressure to accelerate burbulyatsii liquids with low
burbulentnostyu.
REBURBULYATSIYA - suction
fluid through the glucan back
volume burbulyatora. This undesirable phenomenon, sometimes
observed as improperly using vacuum burbulyatorov.
HLYUPALKA - ... "
Lieutenant angrily slammed the "Quick Reference
burbulyatorschika. Such a masterpiece of human idiocy caught
him the first time. It's good that Reference was secret, and
hence, from his reading
could go mad only a very limited number of people.
Kostenko put aside
Reference and thoughtfully surveyed
view room. Here they are,
burbulyatory - two battery, according to
stolitrovyh four in each, in
corner - a vacuum burbulyator, Heard
even as it sucks air, the walls
are green boxes with the marching
glyukalami, and in the middle stands whopper
pyatidesyatikubovogo Big Burbulyatora that soldiers
respectfully referred to the General. And then, behind a
partition in a secret compartment, mysteriously squelching
automatic hlyupalka ...
While the lieutenant looked at
parties, somewhere at the side stealthily crept soldiers seized
Reference and quickly disappeared. Almost immediately, before
the lieutenant came huge mustachioed sergeant with gilded image
burbulyatora on his cap.
- Comrade Lieutenant, Sergeant
Burbotenko, chief burbulyatorschik. Present your admission.
- What is tolerance? - Languidly surprised Kostenko.
- Admission to the second degree to work with
burbulyatsionnymi installations - boomed foreman.
- I do not have such access, once again surprised the
lieutenant.
- Then please leave burbulyatornuyu.
- On what basis?
- This secret unit. Persons without access to be here is
prohibited - Sergeant trustingly leaned to his ear
Lieutenant and transferred to a loud
whispers from which the ceiling began to crumble slowly Damp
plaster. - Then about six months ago, the spy was caught. Still
managed to convey sensitive information. True, they have there
and then on our burbulyatorami five secret institutions fought,
ten men go astray, yes so do not understand anything. And what
there to understand: burbulyator - he
burbulyator is, without a
a modern army - in any way. Glucan again ... But anyway -
sergeant straightened and moved to bass - the mystery is a
mystery so sorry, but you will have to leave burbulyatornuyu.
- Well, are not supposed to - hence, no
it should be, - and smiled Kostenko
began to climb the stairs.
Closing the door, he could still hear
Burbotenko voice, scolding
someone:
- Y-y, bessovye glyukalniki,
frogs in burbulyatorah porazvodili!
The lieutenant stood at a little
burbulyatornoy door, looking around. Nearby
Two recruits diligently painted Zelenkov faded grass in the
lawn - were preparing for the upcoming arrival of
general-lieutenant. All under the fungus lazily threw a bayonet
into a fire shield trying to make a hole for hanging
it bucket, but despite the short distance, all the time
missed. Two "Dembele,
razlegshis on svezhepokrashennoy
grass, smoked "White Sea", staring at one point. These were
addicts, but they have no
paying attention.
The lieutenant stopped near
ad, announcing that
that today in the club Glyukalschik "
will lecture on "Burbulyatory and happiness of mankind."
Lecturer was listed General Professor spets.NII "Burboglyuk"
GO Mugs. Free time
the lieutenant was still a lot, and nothing better to do, he
went to the club - the lecture began ten minutes later. The
club has already gathered about fifty soldiers
(Many with stripes glyukalschikov), half a dozen junior
officers and two lieutenants who hold
apart. General-Professor
late for eight minutes to go apologize and perched on
department.
- So, friends, today I
you delivered a lecture on
"Burbulyatory and happiness of mankind."
As you know, throughout our state is Living
process of renewal of society;
he touched, and our valiant
Army. Yes, comrades, we all stand for peace on our planet, but
Our army must always remain combat-ready, ready to repel any
aggressor, whether anyone (then-general professor demonstrated
his knowledge of geography, listing of fifty states).
Therefore to us for service
goes modern warfare
machinery, including the principle
new system, I mean
burbulyatornuyu technique. High
burbulentnost improves discipline of personnel, its ability to
fight a political and morale troops. It is noteworthy that
burbulyatory invented and applied only here and in the
brotherly Slavic countries. Here we are far away ahead of
Western military equipment. True, there were attempts to steal
secrets related to glyukalostroeniem ... (Hereinafter referred
to Gen. professor told a story that Kostenko had already heard
from elders, and made her conclude that, therefore, is
burbulyator More and psychological weapon in the
struggle against world imperialism).
So, - continued generalprofessor - should prompt
introduction burbulyatornoy Technology
in all military units. As is known,
translated from the German word
"Glitch" means "happiness". So
Now, comrades, we, together with
philological faculty of the Institute of Research Team
Ministry of Defence has been a thorough and comprehensive
study ... (Hereinafter generalprofessor delved into the origin
of the word "glucan", proved convincingly that it is created
namely the word "glitch", then came back to burbulyatoram and
eventually concluded that
burbulyatory contribute to the happiness of mankind). At this
lecture and over. To thunderous applause Gen. professor handed
political officer of the last pocket model vacuum burbulyatora
with self-feeding, including built-in huge generals and
professors boots jet engines and, after breaking the roof of
the club head, left for home. The room smelled of sulfur. Many
here also wore masks with red
masks and the two horns of the absorber. Repair and shabashnaya
team reluctantly went to plug the hole.
Old broken army
"UAZ", rattling, rolled on a bumpy dirt road, raising clouds of
a slowly settling mosquitoes. Kostenko
shaking in the front seat beside the driver. In the background
were stacked boxes of shoe polish, soap, floss and tooth powder
"Discipline." After four days of delays, paperwork and other
bureaucratic normal gimp Lieutenant finally managed to get
these material values, and now he was returning to his unit.
But not only not so much getting hygiene products was giving
Kostenko. Tomorrow begins krupnomastshabnye combined arms
exercises codenamed "bummer-2.
In these exercises a part and the part in which he spent four
days, had to be simulated enemy. So the main task of Kostenko
was "intelligence environment, the location of imaginary enemy,
his readiness and degree burbulizatsii. "His head full of
confusion reigned lieutenant, caused, apparently high
burbulizatsiey part in which he visited. In
memory surfaced conversation overheard in the smoking room:
A few months ago, a warrant officer Hitryuk, joining the
conspired with Lieutenant
Pohmelenko, suggested using burbulyatorah as
glyukagenta ethanol, supposedly because of its high
burbulentnosti. The proposal was accepted, all tucked
burbulyatory alcohol. A month later revealed that Hitryuk and
Pohmelenko, with the assistance and burbulyatorschikov
glyukalschikov, vyglyukali "eighteen and a half cubic
Alcohol ...
- So, we summarize the action plan - commander of the
regiment went to the map. - First Battalion
comes from the north, from the village Pyrlovka, and attack the
kitchen, shopping stores, destroying their contents by means of
absorption. Second Battalion extends from the south through the
village Gluhovile goes to the rear of the conditional the enemy
and creating more noise with rattles jet diverts people's
attention. Third Battalion begins with west of the village
Lokhov, breaks the weak in this area
simulated enemy defenses,
rushes into the territory of parts and
uchinyaet there rout and
drunken brawl. For this vyponeniya
problem to give a bottle of vodka per person. Moonshine we
bought from the local population in advance, so that the
ammunition we have available.
But the main problem is the complete neutralization and
defeat of the enemy's lies with the conditional Major Fedyaeva
reconnaissance. As only the second battalion would divert
attention to themselves, the reconnaissance
covertly leak the location of imaginary enemy with
side of the village Kolotun and sudden blow captures KP
headquarters and all burbulyatornuyu technique. Depriving the
simulated enemy central leadership and demoralizavav his
capture all burbulyatorov we possessed a complete and quick
victory.
The yield on the initial position
2:00 00 minutes. Start of operation - in 3 hours 00 minutes 1
second. Yes, and all units naturally, must be completed by the
Field burbulyatornymi installations. But this is a matter of
political officer. Everything. Questions? Follow orders.
Fedyaev Kostenko and went out together.
- Well, sir, you advise?
- About what, Fedor?
- Yes, that's how we deal with these
burbulyatorami shits? Because of
their noise will not be gathered. Find
We, and all the suddenness of the lost.
- So do not take them away!
- Ek you enough - do not take it! A
order on that? For failure
military order - you know ...
- Well, then ... Then take, but
do not fill with water. And in general, not
understand why we need them?
This is the same ... well, stupid easy!
- Well, why do they need - not
us to you to decide. Previously,
however, without them, but
now - not those times. Look, even the title of the new set up -
General glyukalschik. Say, and a new branch soon will be -
burbulyatornye troops. But in exploration they do interfere.
The noise from them once. And what about the fact that they do
not fill with water, it's you, sir, nice thought. However, then
burbulyatora lost all meaning, but nothing like a wiggle. We
say that the whole glyukagent spent - in terms boevyhto
consumption more! Yes, will do so. Well done, sir, was rescued.
And there, as the military task to do - quickly
burbulyatory fill these - and
let them work. Perhaps, it may take.
Glyukalschikov only to warn that not blabbed.
The scouts took cover in a small gully fifty meters from the
barbed wire and watchtowers with sentries. Prior to the attack
remained for ten minutes one second. Kostenko, risking issue
its presence, noisily inhaled damp smell of grass and night
freshness, lying behind a large hawthorn bush. The lieutenant is
matured his plan. Now appears, perhaps unique case to end this
the brainchild of human stupidity -
so-called burbulyatorami.
Scouts take over the headquarters, command post, and not
burbulyatornuyu touched. And when the operation
over, these morons, finally,
understand that anyone burbulyatory
not needed - after all, despite their
work, the operation will be successful. And if not rescued
burbulyatory position, they must be removed
with weapons. The proof, of course, idiotic, but idiots
the only way you can talk.
In the north sky drew a
shooting star striped yellow and blue rocket. And then with
Southern deafening howl and
roar of jet treschetok almost drowned gunfire and explosions.
The scouts waited a few more minutes, listening to noise,
"battlefield". From the West heard the tune Polyphony "Hurrah!"
- Is drunk moonshine third battalion went on the attack.
Rather, uchinyat drunken brawl and defeat.
- It's time! - Whisper skomanodoval Fedyaev.
About fifty scouts
once slipped out of the gully and
crawled on their bellies to the barricades. Behind them rushed
to the second wave, then a third, taschivshaya
empty glucan.
Pass quickly bite -
scouts knew their business. Quietly pushed sleepy sentinels,
their mouths gagged, tied up. Kostenko
he hit a bayonet-knife overlogging
cable. Floodlights went out at once. Now go ahead, to the
staff. One hundred and fifty pairs of boots stomped on the
newly painted lawn. (Tomorrow wretches recruits again
dyeing force, "- passing thought Kostenko). The first platoon of
led by Major pulled to the headquarters,
second - to the CP, the third, led by
with Kostenko - to burbulyatornoy.
Somewhere rattled windows, something
popped, heard the drunken abuse,
noise of fighting, screaming - drunk brawl
passed successfully. That burbulyatornaya. In the windows of
the lights, but inside the quiet, I hear only the gurgling.
Apparently, burbulyatorschiki slept a dead sleep, not knowing
what's going on around.
- To take up positions at windows and
doors, blocking all entrances and
outputs - ordered Kostenko.
- The wireless operator, to me!
Ran radio operator.
- Relationship with Major Fedyaeva.
- There is a relationship with Major Fedyaeva.
- Comrade Major, reports
Lieutenant Kostenko. Burbulyatornaya blocked. Reception. Like
are you doing?
- We have everything in order - was heard from the
headphones. - Headquarters and MP taken. Why not put
burbulyatornaya? Reception.
- Burbulyatornaya fully
blocked, Comrade Major. They
nothing can stop us.
Simulated enemy burbulyatory not help. Reception.
- Okay. I'll get back to
colonel. Wait.
Drunken brawl and the destruction of those
time was full. Burning a barn, and in light of the flame
could see how hungry
soldiers pulled out of the warehouse
boxes of food, readily comply with the order on their
Destruction. Prior to the teachings of their specially held for
three days on a starvation diet. The operation was developed
successfully.
- Major Fedyaev on communication - radio operator reported.
- Lt. Kostenko listen.
Reception.
- The Colonel ordered the immediate capture and neutralize
burbulyatornuyu. As long as she acts, is considered part of the
combat-ready. But burbulyatory failure or in any case do not
show! Follow orders. Reception.
- Yes. End of communication - the fallen
voice probormrtal Kostenko.
His whole plan collapsed. Now
could only carry out orders.
- Platoon, hear my command!
At the signal to break into and
capture burbulyatornuyu. Burbulyatorschikov bind burbulyatory
off, but the failure did not show. Forward!
With a bang and a roar flew
door, rang the broken glass. Burbulyatorschiki were sleeping
instantly connected. Glucan burbulyatorov pozatykali different
helper objects, mainly footcloths burbulyatorschikov,
that (footcloths) were
such a state that water is not
passed. Automatic hlyupalku turned off. On the wall of blinking
red light accident signaling.
- Report to the Lieutenant Kostenko. Burbulyatornaya taken,
burbulyatorschiki linked burbulyatory off.
- Immediately to include all
burbulyatory! I was contacted by
Colonel - he just called General glyukalschik Duboglavov.
Termination burbulyatsii unacceptable! This jeopardizes the
safety and combat effectiveness throughout the district! Alarm
had reached the point of the High Command! Immediately turn
burbulyatory! You will get court-martialed!
Kostenko, not listening, tore off his headphones and was
screaming, pulled from his belt antitank grenade ...
EPILOGUE
Order N 01536.
Due to an accident,
occurred during the
combined arms exercise "bummer-2"
N military unit 15782 "G" in
result of which suffered
Six soldiers suffered heavy material
damage, and Lieutenant Kostenko H.M.
was sent to a psychiatric
hospital, which was due to shutdown burbulyatornoy
station above lieutenant Kostenko,
ORDER:
1. Accelerate the introduction of burbulyatornoy technology
in all parts of the military district.
2. Ensure continuity
burbulyatornyh work stations and
burbulyatornyh individual plants.
3. Shire to promote and achieve the best burbulyatorschikov
glyukalschikov, encouraged
them.
4. Severely punish those who oppose the introduction of
burbulyatornoy equipment or exhibit negligence in its use,
allowing cases reburbulyatsii.
5. Fully raise burbulizatsiyu all military units District.
General-glyukalschik
D. H. Duboglavov
END
________________________________
