(C) Fedorov, "Chasm" Vladimir
Time for endless FUN!!!
Well, here you are and get to his favorite section in our
magazine (in Anyway I hope). Today, you
will be presented more material
than in the seventh issue, although there were a lot of jokes.
The section consists of four sections: one that you are
now reading - the first. In it, I dumped all the bullshit that
the head and share myself, and that sent you dear readers. In
the second section - your tests sent to the contest. In
third - jokes over pisyukovym
wINDOZZZ, and in the fourth - continued
immortal saga of plush Winnie the sources available.
Well, as you all this?
Once upon a time, when I was still in
school, walked up to my ears, cool
tales, all words which start
on the "O". I can even quote the beginning:
"One day Father Onuphrios, bypassing the vicinity of Lake
Onega, found naked Olga. Give yourself, Olga - ozolochu .... "
How do I proceed in this way. And recently, from
the glorious city of Vologda was sent to us the literary opus
of this style. Perhaps with him and here we go:
(C) Shushkov Alexander, Alex Shushkov
Tale of Pentium
Pentiumovicha Pentiumova.
Pentium Pentiumovichu friend recommended to buy a
processor "Pentium." Pentium Pentiumovich thought: "It is true
that purchasing the "Pentium" "!
Before Monday, the morning, and Pentium
Pentiumovich breakfast, dress up.
Counting retirement, went to buy a progressive "Pentium." Went
straight - of firebreak. Counter attracted buyers.
The seller began to present "Pentium
55.
Half an hour passed. Realizing five percent
Listening, yielding to the machinations of dastardly seller
podsunuvshego bad "Pentium, Pentium poloroty Pentiumovich,
putting the purchase under the cloak poddernuv suspenders,
trudged off, moving the prosthesis, try "Pentium." Along the
way acquired a packet of "Prima" - one by one.
Came and hooked up "Pentium." "Vacuum
Pentium "plow stopped. Green,
Pentium Pentiumovich began to switch
jumpers. "The fuse has blown," -
Pentium Pentiumovich thought. Putting pyatiamperny fuse Pentium
Pentiumovich repeated the procedure. Following the process,
burned cork five-story building. Quarreled about half an hour,
Pentium Pentiumovich telephoned the seller.
- Why the "Pentium" has ceased to blow!
The seller said: "Wait, I'll send
plumber. "
Plumber after a hearty snack,
Having a portion of port, has arrived.
- Hello - hello plumber.
After going around the room, plumber paused in front of
"Pentium". Yawning, plumber knocked on a log on the processor.
Then he slipped under the "Pentyaru" device. Having estimated
by the testimony of a connected device, plumber, half a minute,
sighed and said: "The Scribe" Penta ", will have to solder.
- Put your bubble, soldered "Pentium
Pro.
Drinking bubble brought chatterbox Pentium Pentiumovichem,
Popeye plumber tapping a soldering iron on the board,
trying to solder the "Pentium Pro".
Sober, plumber read the prologue
on the use of "Pentium Pro". Propotev
after prochitki, connect the power.
Curses haunted plumber.
Fee burned. Nearby breathed fire.
Podsunuv soldering iron under the floorboards, poluumny
plumber ran incite firefighters
irrigate the full program. Half-hour
Pentium Pentiumovich trying to understand the cause of the
fire. Then I realized. "I'll beat you idiot," thought Pentium
Pentiumovich.
Racing across a crossing, plumber, podskolznuvshis, fell
under a train. Paralyzed plumber, after the last train trying
to crawl. The process of movement plumber simply amazed
passers-by.
- I'll beat you moron - he heard behind him.
Podkostylyavshy Pentium Pentiumovich
a friendly kick user tips. Plumber, a bird food, begging for
mercy. Reaching the policeman stopped the attempt pribieniya
crawling plumber.
Plumber planted. Seller drove away. The prestige of the
company fell therefore Pentium Pentiumovichu representatives
brought repaired "Pentium Pro".
Before purchasing ask the processor
seller to show the performance settings, and then ask to
demonstrate the product. After asking a genuine stamp of the
manufacturer.
True Rumor:
"Hurry, people'ov posmeshish.
For a start - not bad. Do you like horror stories? I love
them too, but funny, like: "The guy on the field with a guitar
walked rusty mine hooked his foot. Long guitar rang out over
the field - no #% d stagger across the field doing nothing. "Or
another:" A little boy with a broken leg supik slurps aluminum
spoon. Mother with emotion stared at his son - when the same
you're dead, limping beast? ". In my opinion, cool. And now
even more short jokes:
Little jokes about small children
All the jokes are based on issues (VA)
and answers (OA). Well, let's go!
Q. What: red and can not
turn in the hallway?
A. A child with a dart in the head.
Q. What: brown and scratching
in the window?
A. A child in a microwave oven.
Q. What: red and hang from
ceiling?
A. A child suspended from butcher
hook.
Q. What is the best, when the fuck
child?
A. To hear a crunching his hips!
Q. What is: pink, but turns into a red, if you press the
button?
A. A child in a food processor.
Q. What is: pink and flies?
A. The child is bound to the air
snake.
Q. What is: green, and scratching
in the window?
A. A child in the oven, when the
gas, but not zazhennom fire.
Q. What is: a blue top and bottom
white and hanging from the ceiling?
A. A child in the loop.
Brutal! Perhaps, change the subject.
Here recently the World Cup is over (by the way fun is over)
therefore represent the fun on the football
theme:
(C) Clare Bear
(C) Fedorov, "Chasm" Vladimir-translation
and adaptation to the Russian reality
20 things
that can be done
If your favorite team
loses Away
1) Hammer on everything and dumped on a house.
2) Support your favorite team
screams like: "Come on", "Naderi they ass," "Poimena those
bastards." Usually this is a positive influence for raising the
morale of the twelve people who like an asshole, running on the
field and kick the ball.
3) You can run out to the field and selecting
ball player of the enemy, to give her a pass.
After this game certainly will stop and will suffer for another
day, which will give another chance of your team this season.
Of course, for that your team can be fined, but who cares -
it's money President's Club.
4) You can beat the opposing team's fans, using blocks,
boxes, and torn seats (unless of course you ahead of time is
not stocked knuckles). Of course, it does not help your team,
but is beaten form of these bastards (the fans) certainly
will bring you mental satisfaction.
5) Attack the debris. Always fun
revel, by running an empty bottle of vodka from under Cop
helmet. Of course, it smells like a criminal case, but if you
make a big brawl, it is possible to achieve a stoppage of play
(see paragraph 3)
6) Throw an empty butulkoy from under
Vodka on the tower opposite the goalkeeper
team. It is likely that the second goalkeeper of them bad.
Disadvantages are the same in § 3.
7) When your will to beat the penalty
steal up behind the gates of the enemy and
try to scare scream
goalkeeper. Sometimes he lost, and misses the goal. Already
worked seven times.
8) You can also jump over their doors, when they beat your
team a penalty. This will distract the piercing.
9) crumple aaplet and Throw
Judge it on the line at a time when there is abuse by players
your team. He is distracted by this piece of paper and not
notice the violation.
10) If the game is really quite interesting, it can spill
over into game of cards or play in the sea battle. Suddenly
your team yet played out.
11) Demand your money back.
12) jump out on the field, while
When he got a high pass. Catch the ball
perepravte head and into the top corner. Usually works only in
sleep.
13) Throw an empty bottle from under
vodka (you come here to drink vodka or a game
watch? because this is the third Battle!) in
replaced goalkeeper of the opposing team. True, if your club
has too many penalties, it is better not to do.
14) Estimate tsunarefom or nigger (cool idea, right?) And
start yelling: "Hey, you belozhopye, get out of here! "If you
picked up the elements for racist abuse, then we can try to
glue otmazu like: "What the hell for you I take out? Do I look
like a nigger? "
15) Start yelling heart-rending voice
all your club songs, trying to show
fans of the opposing team that you are on
all the shit. They have O-O-O-CHEN do not like.
16) After the game zateyte scuffle with
fans of other teams, because of fights
with whom you are well ohrenachili batons cops when you pull
apart (see Rule 4). True, vst chance to get to the day, but who
pays attention to it.
17) If you came to play with her
girl when she had "red day on the calendar, ask her to pulled
from a swab, and then Throw it in
a crowd of fans of the opposing team. Can poprikalyvatsya on
mans face from the crowd when his six-year old son
raise the swab, and show him with the words:
"Dad, then flew us sweetie!"
18) Nassyte in the empty package from the
chips, then a cry of "SSANINA flies!"
Throw this bag in any of
above. Pinned, looking
the way they scatter in different directions (although more
on-jokes will be if kogonibud obolet).
19) You can also use the shit.
It is best suited for this purpose diarrhea.
20) Prikintes fan of Moscow
"Spartacus" and start yelling: "Our
Spartak still kick your ass fuckin club! "However, if you are
so sick of" Spartacus ", and then pretend There's nothing.
Fuck all the love? Love little
must be able to fuck with relish! I've been gone
to his girlfriend in Yaroslavl, and on the way home came up
with the following shnyaga:
(C) Fedorov, "Chasm" Vladimir
20 places where you can fuck
girl on first date
unless, of course, it is not averse to
1. Invite her to his home (for
persons deprived of their imaginations).
2. Suggest a climb to the top
floor of the bell tower near the church and fuck her, taking
advantage of the romantic mood of the beautiful form (for people
notch on religion).
3. If the church could not penetrate, then we can offer a
stroll through cemetery and in order to dispel the gloomy mood
to fuck her on the tombstone (for men notch on the black chips).
4. You can invite her to walk
Local basements and fuck her on the central heating pipes (for
people to notch punk chips).
5. Invite her to a disco, to feed her extacy, and then
fuck her in the toilet (for people on the notch
dance get-togethers).
6. Invite a bath, where the
tusovka nudists, and then fuck her
really worth doing it quietly, so as
fuck on these get-togethers are not welcome
(For people to nudism notch).
7. Invite her to the gym,
and then in the final workout fuck. A girl can be seen as
another projectile. Ha, ha! (For men notch
in bodybuilding)
8. Invite her to swim in the tank, and then fuck her under
water (for notch people to scuba diving).
9. Invite to visit your favorite game
futblolnoy team and then when she
win, fuck right on the podium
celebrate their victory in such a way (for people to notch
football)
10. Invite her to the photo studio, then ask her to pose
nude and fuck her (for people on the notch
photo).
11. Offer a ride in a car, and then fuck with it at full
course (for people in cars notch).
12. Invite her to a prolonged
jump with a parachute and a flying fuck
(For people to notch parashutnom
sport).
13. Invite her to walk on
nature, and then fuck her in the forest. Beware of mosquitoes -
may be good bite your ass (for men notch on long walks, hiking).
14. Offer her climb to sewer, and then fuck her in the
collector (For people on the move notch Diggers).
15. Invite her to zatusovatsya
rehearsal of his team, and then fuck
her cancer, resting in a drum kit. I advise you to fix a
setting better, and what Otherwise, it threatens calving
(For men notch on the music).
16. If you live near the mountains, then
You can invite her to make a joint
ascent, and then fuck her at the height of 1000 meters -
extremely (for people notch in the mountain climbing).
17. To score with her arrow on IRC, and
then fuck with it virtually (for
people completely screwed on the Internet and
computers).
18. If you have none of the above fails, then it can
provazhaya home, asked for tea, and then fuck her in the
kitchen, even though her ancestors look TV in the living room.
19. The kitchen was in any way, since there
Grandma your new girlfriend cooked
dinner, so we had to get fucked in the stairwell, fearing that
at any moment return to her younger brother who walks
with all the guys in the yard.
20. Well, if you were so brakes to not use any of
nineteen of my advice, then you
just have otdrochit before bedtime.
Hopefully, the last item is not for you.
Now move on to other physiological processes - the act of
defecation:
(C) Han / Good Guys Hackers Group
(C) Fedorov, "Chasm" Vladimir - some
rye additions
APPOINTMENT AND CONDITIONS OF USE AND
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS OF TOILET PAPER
Toilet paper (ref.
N 11315509651) in the future - a product
intended to remove any residue of the process of defecation
with the outer edge of the anus, the adjacent skin and is
locally concentrated at the site of body hair cover (henceforth
- the place from the reliance).
APPLICATION
1. Carefully read these instructions. It has to be
fixed with screws M6 in an easily accessible and
well-lit area in the line of sight user (s).
2. Roll are located on the
Users in the chest a little flat.
3. Perform an act of defecation.
4. Ensure successful completion
Act and in the absence of desires to continue his (this point
is important for the economy and rational use of the product).
5. A direct translational motion
right hand down to grasp the tip of the (product), and then a
sharp upward motion and Right about at an angle of 60 degrees
to the horizon line pull, rewind thus 700 mm. (For convenience
Users per 100 mm. Products labeled with perforation).
6. Raznonapravlyayuschimi hand movements
in the horizontal plane to produce
gap tape around the middle
between two neighboring sites of perforation. Persons who have
no one upper limb to manipulate the product with a sharp blade
or a cutting instrument (scissors, table knife, razor, hatchet
for cutting meat).
7. Attach right hand separated
tape from the roll to the point of use and
produce a reciprocating motion along the point of use, with a
specific force of 100 N, to remove the faeces from the area of
space use.
8. Disposed of using a portion of
articles thereof, by placing inside
any container intended for
accumulation of waste (eg garbage
bucket, etc.). It is recommended to use containers available
with instructions for its operation, in order to avoid damage
the product or obtaining a production of injury.
9. When necessary, repeat
paragraphs 7 and 8 to complete removal of faeces
from the point of use.
Observe the precautions
contained in the relevant instructions
annexed to this product.
NOTES:
a) Do not strain to produce products for the sites of
perforation in mind risk of dislocation and deformation.
b) In violation of the intestinal activity of the organism
user product (Diarrhea, etc.), it is recommended
pursuant to paragraph 5 wind off 1400 mm.
products, with a prior folding
separated from the roll of tape in half, before
pursuant to paragraph 7, to avoid premature disintegration
products until the completion of the process.
Continuing the theme started, I would like to bring to
your attention okolofilosofsky polushizofrenichesky raving
about toilets in general, and bowls in particular.
Of course, I'm not the first who decided to write
on this subject (to me, "Treatise on the migratory
places, "wrote Jonathan Swift), but
Considering that the development of human civilization without
restraint, for two hundred years have accumulated a lot of
things about what it is worth considering. Yes ... Here ...
Duc, Elah-burns ...
(C) Fedorov, "Chasm" Vladimir
Toilet, as a measure of
human values
The WC characterizes the attitude of the individual to
others, directly its purity. If a person is selfish, then
its usually a dirty toilet bowl, as
himself the owner is absolutely no disgust
to be among their own excrement. If the toilet cleaned to a
mirror finish, thus the master toilet shows around their
attitude towards them, that is taking care of their feelings
when visit the closet. Developing this theory, one can notice
that the toilet cleanliness can also characterize the
relationship in primary cell of society, namely in the family.
If the toilet is running, the family members do not care for
aesthetic jitteriness each other when visiting the closet.
If we consider the public toilets, their purity of talking
about the relationship individual is in society at large, it is
possible to characterize the local a community of people who
attend separate taken a public restroom. Of course the purity
of the experiment can not violate the extent prelezhno relating
to his duties cleaner, nullifying their acts purely personal
attitude towards others for each individual visitor to a public
toilet. You all probably remember the neglect shovels Toilets,
this vividly describes the totalitarianism of the society,
where we lived, that is a measure of social development as
system in general. The more progressive social system, the
cleaner separately taken public toilet.
Separately, we can consider the toilets in
trains (our train - the most poezdatye
train). Through covert sociological
study (namely, an ear latch
the wall separating the compartments and toilet), the
connection between sex visitor the toilet and its relation to
the issue of cleanliness.
The first thing to go to the toilet, men usually spits
into a toilet, the thus describing his attitude to the problem
of purity in two guises: the absolute contempt for previous
visitors and subconscious revenge for the following visitors
since spitting often occur by point the toilet. This clearly
shows the destructive nature of man's nature, which pushes
progress forward. The more a man breaks, the
respectively, the more he thinks about
both faster and more importantly without much effort
compensate ruined. Thus, the toilet
can be regarded as a measure not only of ethical values, as
well as intellectual and moral ilk.
The women, when visiting toilets
sigh trains (look at the state
WC kotoroe in train toilet
usually happens to running a disgrace), thereby demonstrating a
subconscious desire for order and cleanliness, gradually
turning into obsession schizophrenic obsession to his
oblogorazhivaniyu residence, in which (at least hypothetical)
should be raised children (in order to ensure that this area
clean), the urge to care about which incorporated in every
woman that men are absolutely not characteristic and usually
does not manifest itself at all (with the exception of passive
homosexuals and transsexuals, soulful
whose nature is similar in many respects women). Therefore, the
latrines can be used to identify such a defect of society as
homosexuality. The mechanism is simple if a person is a male
comes into the toilet and sighs, not spit, then absolyutno
clear that he was homosexual. Therefore, wc
You can also call the measure of moral
values of humanity.
In considering this issue further,
You can also draw a parallel between the technical equipment of
public toilets, and financial well-being of owners of latrines
(municipality in particular). If you visit the toilet,
which, instead of pure white urinal you
offer crap wooden point,
surrounded by towering mountains of excrement, it is not hard
to guess about the welfare of those in power. Instead, to
grandiose urban torzhesva, they should follow the latrines,
which have recently turned into a hotbed of contagion. Shit
It stays on your shoe, or nearly
cleaner of sludge that remained in your soul. Therefore, the
toilet is also measure of financial well-being of society,
where he lives separately taken an individual attending a
separately taken a public restroom.
By the way, follows the evolution of
latrine construction, can be judged
and the development of civilization in general. Tracing the
changes in the construction of a simple latrine pits in the
ground until sorted vacuum aspiration of excreta, located on
space stations, we can conclude that the toilets are also a
measure of the intellectual values of mankind.
From all the above we can conclude that the latrines and
toilets in particular, are global and unchangeable measure of
value throughout the centuries human civilization. Therefore,
paraphrasing the ancient philosopher, we can say with
certainty: "The truth OCHKE!
No comments. Decide how
to treat this. And finally for you
I have prepared some unburned screenshots:
