Woot Covid Chronicle

Woot Covid Chronicle

AND THAT JUST ABOUT SUMS IT UP. AFTER SUCH A STRANGE AND CHALLENGING YEAR, THERE IS ONLY ONE THING THAT YOU CAN DO:

..AND WE SAW IT COMING LIKE A BENEVOLENT MUSHROOM CLOUD, WHEN ON MARCH 16th THE UK WENT INTO

END OF TAPE.

LOCKDOWN MEANT THAT EVERYONE WAS TRAPPED WITHIN THE CONFINES OF THEIR HOMES. IT WAS A 'GREAT LEVELLER'...

THERE WAS A GOVERNMENT DRIVE FOR 'RESKILLING' DUE TO THE LARGE NUMBER OF JOB LOSSES.

COULD BE IN
HE JUST DOESN'T
KNOW IT YET...

SALES OF A SCOTTISH HEALTH FOOD SNACK SOARED DURING DECEMBER, BECAUSE IN TIER TWO RESTRICTED AREAS YOU WERE NOT ALLOWED TO DRINK IN PUBS UNLESS YOU ORDERED FOOD. A SCOTCH EGG WAS CLASSED AS A "SUBSTANTIAL MEAL", SO YOU COULD BUY ONE AND THEN HAVE A FREE PASS TO GET BLADDERED. ENGLAND NEARLY BROKE DURING MARCH, BECAUSE 'THE ARCHERS' STOPPED PRODUCTION. THANKFULLY THEY RESUMED AFTER A HIATUS WITH STORYLINES REFLECTING THE PANDEMIC...

You can see Eddie Grundy burying COVID positive badgers, and Nigel Pargetter adjusting the sign on top of the pop-up Coronavirus ward. Brookfield farm has COVID The Bull is closed due to tier 3 restrictions Grey Gables has COVID Lynda Snell can't taste her gin What do you want to do? *

DURING LOCKDOWN, WE WERE ALLOWED OUTSIDE FOR 1 HOUR, FOR "ESSENTIAL EXERCISE".

EVERY THURSDAY WAS COMPETITIVE CLAPPING IN HONOUR OF KEY WORKERS...

...BUT IT WAS HARD TO KNOW WHEN TO STOP...

SOME THOUGHT IT WAS SAFER TO EXERCISE INDOORS...

SCIENTISTS WEREN'T SURE WHERE THE CORONAVIRUS ORIGINATED.

THANKFULLY THE 'MAN ON THE STREET' DID KNOW, BECAUSE THEY ALL HAD AN UNCLE STEVE THAT SAID ON FACEBOOK THAT Dr BLITZEN HARNESSED THE POWER OF 5G AND CREATED THE VIRUS IN HIS UNDERGROUND LABORATORY...

A TANK OF THANK TO:

• TMD2003 FOR THE BEEPER TUNES
• BEYKER FOR THE AY MUSIC
• RWAC AS COMEDY CONSULTANT
• PROSM FOR THE ZOOM GAG
• ZX7 FOR COMPRESSION
• THE SC FORUM!

HOUSEKEEPING

• PRESS O/P TO PAGE LEFT/RIGHT
• IF DESIRED, PRESS A KEY TO SPEED UP A SEQUENCE
• WHEN THE FLASHING ">" APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM RIGHT, THE SEQUENCE HAS ENDED AND IS AWAITING A KEYPRESS

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TOWARDS THE END OF THE YEAR, VACCINES STARTED TO APPEAR. THE TECHNICALITIES WERE DIFFICULT FOR THE LAYPERSON TO UNDERSTAND. THANKFULLY WE HAD JONATHAN VAN-TAM TO EXPLAIN WITH HIS HELPFUL METAPHORS...

FIRSTLY, I'D LIKE TO REITERATE THAT THE VACCINES ARE NOT YOGHURTS.

WE MAY HAVE THE VACCINES, BUT WE DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD THEY ARE UNTIL WE DO MORE TESTS. SO WE CAN BE HOPEFUL, BUT NOT COMPLACENT.

VACCINES ARE VERY MUCH LIKE A GAME OF RENEGADE - TWO THIRDS OF THE TIME THEY'RE GREAT, BUT SOMETIMES YOU END UP WITH A PILE OF CRAP.

OUR FIRST VACCINE IS FROM KREMLIN GRAPHICS. WE DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT IT YET, BUT IT HAS A 100% SCORE IN ALL THE REVIEWS, INCLUDING SIX CRASH SMASHES.

ULTIMATE FIND THE VEIN have produced a top of the range vaccine. It MAY BE pricey, but it comes in a very nice box.

Followed by U.S. COLD. THis is a high quality product, but very temperamental, and needs -70 C storage.

But we're championing a home grown release, from a British laboratory - COVID MASTERS.

It scores between 70 and 90% in most reviews, and costs less than a week's pocket money per dose.

It is 100% DNA code, and David Darling says their vaccine is "absolutely brilliant!"

...AND THEN FERMENTED IT IN SQIJ'S RECTAL CAVITY TO MAKE IT ESPECIALLY DEADLY.

REPORT ANY BUGS IN THIS SECTION TO THE POWER HOUSE.

FOR SEVERAL MONTHS, MANY OF US WERE NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE OUR HOMES.

...EVEN THE GOOD PEOPLE OF SCARTHORPE...

You are in a strange red room near a pot plant and a pretty little window exits: none, there is a national lockdown 

a bottle of blue curacao
a slice of engadine
some scissors
an absence of toilet paper 

You need the lavatory 

...a copy of The Watchtower drops through the letterbox...

...AND SO WERE THE HAIRDRESSERS.

INITIALLY, WE WERE GLUED TO OUR TVs EVERY TEATIME FOR THE DAILY GOVERNMENT BRIEFING...

next slide please.

THE CHUNTEY AURA IS SAFE

THERE MAY BE EVIDENCE THAT 5G CAUSES GOUT, BUT WE CAN CATEGORICALLY SAY THAT THE CHUNTEY AURA DOES NOT CAUSE CORONAVIRUS.

next slide please.

HERE WE HAVE A PLOT OF CORONAVIRUS CASES OVER THE LAST FEW DAYS.

BLAST. NEVER MIND. NEXT SLIDE PLEASE.

© 1982 Sinclair Research Ltd

ANYONE FANCY A PINT?

WE WERE ENCOURAGED TO WORK FROM HOME TO REDUCE TRANSMISSION...

EVENTUALLY, WEARING FACE COVERINGS BECAME COMPULSORY IN MOST PUBLIC INDOOR SETTINGS...

THANKS TO ZOOM, SKYPE AND TEAMS, WE SCHOOLED FROM HOME...

WE WERE ONLY ALLOWED TO LEAVE FOR ESSENTIAL PURPOSES. WITH 2 METRE SOCIAL DISTANCING RULES, ONE WAY SYSTEMS AND A BASELINE 'DISASTER MOVIE' FEEL, THE SUPERMARKETS FELT LIKE A SCENE FROM THE HANDMAID'S TALE, OR SOMETHING EQUALLY HELLISH...

AS WE SAW LOCKDOWN COMING, WE RUSHED OUT TO BUY MORE PASTA, TINNED TOMATOES, FLOUR AND TOILET ROLLS THAN WE COULD EVER USE — UNFORTUNATELY THE SHOPS HAD ALREADY BEEN RANSACKED BY A LOAD OF IDIOTS 'PANIC BUYING'

FOR MOST OF THE YEAR, MOST OF THE PUBS WERE SHUT...

WE ALL NEEDED A BIT OF SPORT TO RAISE OUR SPIRITS, UNFORTUNATELY THAT CAME WITH ITS OWN CHALLENGES...

p = picked to play, i = injured 

PLAYERS PICKED

Type Player No. to add to team pOR type 99 to call it a year

THOSE OF US ACTUALLY ABLE TO GET OUR HANDS ON A BAG OF FLOUR TOOK TO BAKING TO WHILE AWAY THE TIME...

SANE DURING

WHY HAVE I MADE A TWO TON LOAF OF

STOP MINIMIZING THE TAB!

THIS IS NOT A BIOLOGY LESSON — GET THAT SAM FOX POSTER OFF YOUR WALL!
PUT SOME TROUSERS ON!
STOP MUCKING ABOUT WITH YOUR BACKGROUND!
THAT CTRL + SHIFT + F7 THING IS A MYTH!
I CAN SEE YOUR TWITTER — STOP TROLLING EINSTEIN!

B Integer out of range, 0:2

I WONDER IF THIS COVERED BY THE