Awards & Ban This Filth!

Awards & Ban This Filth!

Awards

THIS AWARD IS FOR SERVICES TO BARMY KEY SETTINGS. Why have five keys when you can combine fire and forward into the same key! I suppose we should be grafeful that back and forward weren't combined.

CHANGE THE KEYS

AND ANOTHER AWARD FOR SERVICES TO BARMY KEY SETTINGS GOES TO Ultimate PLAY THE GAME. OK so you've mastered fast sprites, isometric engines and addictive gameplay, best to quit while you're ahead and not bother with an oh so complicated redefine keys routine. Yep - QWERT. Everyone LOVES QWERT don't they?!

Bugaboo the Flea

Yes. The game can be completed in 19 seconds, so you may as well extend the fun with an unskippable two minute space intro!

The Spectrum's Most Unreadable Font

ACTUALLY, THE MOST UNREADABLE FONT IN THE UNIVERSE. In AD 877, Socrates famously said to Emperer Tiberius that the key to a good font is consistency and legibility. We must give credit where it's due - it may be totally illegible, but it is consistently illegible. Perhaps one day scholars will manage to decipher these cryptic runes.

What's the best way to spoil a beautiful, atmospheric and incredibly smooth 8 way scrolling shooter? Why, integrate a ridiculously fast roll of the dice minigame into it of course!

The Most Barmy User Interface

THIS IS AN AWARD FOR THE MOST BARMY USER INTERFACE. THIS, AHEM, 'INNOVATIVE' INTERFACE WAS KNOWN AS THE REFLEX SYSTEM, AND IT RELIED ON CHOOSING WHICHEVER CHOICES HAPPENED TO BE SCROLLING IN AND OUT OF THE WINDOW AT THE TIME. Fortune favours the brave... except when it involves a bloody silly idea.

Ban This Filth!

Hello and god bless. Mary Whitehouse here. Self-appointed guardian of decency. Now then, I've been away for some time, but a recent decline in moral standards in ZX Spectrum software has been brought to my attention. One game in particular, Valley of Rains, written by foreign johnnies naturally, is an act of gratuitous moral turpitude.

BLOOD AND SANDS! LOOK AT THAT!

What on earth is she wearing? Is that even a G-string?! I don't care if she's a water spirit, that's no excuse for running around with your hot pocket on display. And just what is going on with her lady bumps?! If that's meant to be a boob tube, then I'd say it's faulty and should be returned to Marks and Spencers immediately. Let's sort this out. For starters, some comfortable bloomers and a proper upper foundation bra will introduce a little decorum.

That hair is an afront to decency too. It belongs on a Welsh girl having a night out on the snakebite. A sensible, and very tight, top-knot will ameliorate things.

And we'll drop the slag wellies, thankyou very much. These hobnail boots will provide much needed ankle support while gallivanting around the place (which I also forbid).

And it's cold out there - let's complete the ensemble with this donkey jacket, woolen leggings and hornrim spectacles.

That's better. Now you can return life to the valley of rains without bringing shame on your poor mother. Thankyou, and goodnight.

BAN THIS FILTH!