Tales of Uncle Gill'a
(C) Gillespie / NEW
Hello dear, good morning.
Who was it dared to take away your zolotovremya? And this is
me, my good uncle Gillespie or, briefly, Gill. From time to
time I I will sneak into your room and quietly whisper to you
their stories. In fact, history is not particularly something
and mine, and I them overheard somewhere, and I am very pleased
to for you to recite. Some logical, dear to my heart the reader
will exclaim: "Why is it stealing someone else's uncle product,
and its not writing? "The answer something like this: I did not
steal anything, just I want to introduce your mind to
authors who deserve to you
reminded of them again, and, perhaps,
a little smile or a good thought. A
if still translate the name of our newspaper and
think about it, then all becomes
understandable and well. Own the same creativity requires a
minimum of time and flexibility thoughts, and I have these
concepts are not always together.
Therefore we turn until the people who
really master. And another thing: I hope
that you will not be judged on creativity and
master's life, starting only from the fact that
written here, and look for more and more of their
product. Much of what
will be posted, you will not immediately
understandable, but something that will remain not understood.
And I'll start with Daniel Ivanovich Yuvacheva,
known as Daniel Harms. In the history of
Russian, and the entire world literature there are few literary
fates, such his fate. From 1905 to 1942 - is his
century. Century writer, earn a
life of the talented children's products
and at the same time every day creating
without any hope to publish the brilliant poetry, prose, drama,
belonging truly great literature.
Harms and his colleagues
autumn of 1927 created a new literary group - Association of
Real Art (OBERIU). Oberiuity create new outlook is not as
pretentious as, for example, <zaum> and accurately and clearly
mark each item, clean it from the husk. These are the same and
the situation at Harms-concentrated manifestation of the
properties of objects or people.
Harms was able to make fun of the most serious
things and find a very sad moments in the
itself, it would seem ridiculous. Duality
was typical of the personality of Harms: its focus on the game,
the merry rally combined with the sometimes painful
mnitelnstyu with certainty that he
brings bad luck to those who love (to quote
of 'DOBROLYUBOV' which Kharms often liked to
repeat, and which belong entirely to him: "Please note trouble
around him").
So listen, dear, listen.
Uncle Gill had already hurting in a deep armchair,
stretched his feet to the fire and will soon begin to talk
about ...
+++++ +++++ Stories
*
1. Once Andrey walked down the street
and lost his watch. Shortly thereafter, he
died. His father, a hunchbacked old man,
the whole night sitting in the cylinder and compressed the left
hand a cane with a hooked handle. Miscellaneous thoughts
attended his head, including and such: life - this is Forge.
2. Father Andrei Vasilyevich named Gregory Antonovich, or
rather, Vasily Antonovich, hugged Maria Mikhailovna and called
it his mistress. She silently and hopefully looking forward and
upward. And then lousy hunchback Vasily Antonovich decided to
destroy his hump.
3. For this purpose, Vasily Antonovich villages in
saddle and went to the doctor Mamaev. Professor mom was sitting
in the garden and read a book. On All requests Vasily
Antonovich Professor Mamaev answered in one word: "plenty of
time." Then Vasily Antonovich went and lay down in the surgical
ward.
4. Paramedic and the nurse put
Vasily Antonovich on the table, and covered with a sheet. Then
in walked the professor himself Mamaev. "You shave?" Asked the
professor. "No, I cut my hump," said Vasily Antonovich.
Operation began. But it ended badly, because one nurse
covered his face with a cloth and tartan
have not seen anything and could not give the right tools. A
paramedic gave up his mouth and nose, and he could hardly
breathe, and to the end of surgery, he choked and dead
fell to the floor. But the most unpleasant thing is the fact
that Professor Mamaev hurry forgot to remove the
with the patient's bed sheet and cut him instead
hump something else - it seems his head. A
hump only istykal surgical instrument.
5. Arriving home, Vasily Antonovich until
then could not rest until the house is not broke do not cut off
the Spaniards and the head cook Andryushka.
6. Reassured, Vasily Antonovich went
to another doctor and he quickly snapped him
hump.
7. Then everything went very easy. Maria
Mikhailovna divorced Vasily Antonovich and married Bubnov.
8. Bubnov did not like his new wife. As
when she left the house, bought Bubnov
his new hat and all the time greeting from
his neighbor Anna Moiseyevna. But suddenly
Anna Moiseevna broke one tooth, and she
pain is widely opened mouth. Bubnov thoughts about his
biography.
9. Father Bubnov named graphs loved
Bubnov mother named Hnyu. Once Hnyu
sitting on a plate and pick mushrooms, which are
grew up around it. But he said suddenly
as follows:
- Hnyu, I want us to have born Bubnov.
Hnyu asked:
- Bubnov? Yes, yes?
- Quite so, your excellency, - answered
Graphs.
10. Hnyu graphs and sat down beside him and began to think
about different things and very long laugh.
11. Finally, Hnyu born Bubnov.
[1931]
* Death of an old man *
One old man jumped from the nose a little ball and fell to
the ground. Old man stooped to pick up this ball, and then
from his eyes popped a little stick and also hit the ground.
The old man became frightened and not knowing what to do, moved
lips. At this time the old man out of his mouth jumped small
square. Old man grabbed her mouth, but here in little old man
from jumped small pocket mouse. Old man from the fear of making
wrong, and he not to fall, sat on his haunches. But here in
the old gentleman, something snapped, and he, like IAUC plush
coat and fell to the ground. Here a little old man jumped from
proreshki dlinnenky wand, and at the end of this twig sat a
slender bird. The old man wanted cry, but he has a jaw went
behind another, and he instead shouted,
only weakly hiccupped and shut one eye.
Another old man's eyes remained open, and
ceased to move and sparkle, became motionless and dull, like a
dead man. So insidious death overtook an old man, not
knowing its hour.
*
Andrew S. spit into a cup of water. The water immediately
turned black. Andrew S. narrowed his eyes and stared into the
cup. The water was very black. Andrei Semenovich's heart beat.
At this time awake dog Andrei Semenovich. Andrew S. went to the
window and pondered. Suddenly, something large and dark flashed
past the face of Andrei Semenovich and flew to
window. It flew dog Andrei Semenovich and flew like crows on
the roof of the house opposite. Andrew S. villages on his
haunches and howled. Into the room ran companion parrots:
- What is it? Are you sick? - Asked fellow parrots.
Andrew S. silent and rubbed her hands.
Companion parrots looked into the cup, standing on the table.
- What is it then you poured? - He asked
Andrei Semenovich.
- I do not know, - said Andrei Semenovich.
Parrots immediately disappeared. Dog again
flew out the window, fell on his seat and fell asleep.
Andrew S. came to the table and drank a cup of blackened
water. And the soul of the Andrei Semenovich was light.
August 21, 1934.
* Autobiography *
Now I'll show you how I was born, as I
grew and as revealed in me early signs of genius. I was born
twice. Happened this is how:
My dad married my mom in 1902
year, but I have my parents made to
light only at the end of 1905, because
Dad wished that his child was born
necessarily for the New Year. Dad reckoned
that conception should take place on April 1 and
Only on this day drove to his mother with a proposal to
conceive a child.
The first time my father drove up to Mom 1
April 1903. Mom has long been waiting for this
moment and terribly happy. But Dad,
As can be seen, was in a very humorous mood
and could not resist and told my mother: "With the first
April! "
Mom terribly offended and that day is not
let a father to him. Had to wait
next year.
In 1904, on April 1, my father began
again approached the mother with the same proposal. But Mom,
remembering last year's event, said that now she no longer
wishes to remain in a stupid position, and again, not admitted
to himself pope. How many Dad is not raging, nothing helped.
And only a year later was my dad
prevail upon my mother and me to conceive.
So, my conception occurred on April 1
1905.
However, all of Dad's calculations collapsed
because I was born and noobs
four months ahead of schedule.
Dad so huffed that the midwife,
accept me, confused and began to shove me back where I just
climbed.
Participating in this one our friend, a student of the
Military Medical Academy, said that cram my back is not
succeed. However, despite the words of a student, I was still
stuffed, but the truth, then it turned out to cram something
stuffed, yes haste is not there.
Then began a terrible commotion. Parent yells: "Serve me my
child!" And she answered: "your - say - child is within you.
"-" What! - parent screams. - As a child inside
me when I had just had a baby! "
"But - tell her that - can
be you're wrong? "-" What! - Screaming parent - wrong! Did I
make mistakes! I myself saw that the child only that here lay
on the sheet! "-" This true - tell her that - but may
Perhaps he crawled off somewhere. "In a word, and they do not
know what to tell her that.
A parent makes a noise and requires
Child.
I had to call an experienced doctor. An experienced doctor
examined her that her hands and spread, but all guessed and
gave her that a good portion of Epsom salts. Mother of passed
me by, and thus, I again came to light.
Then again, Dad huffed, he says,
it is supposedly still be called the birth,
that is, they say, is not a man, but rather
half of the embryo, and that it should either
back again to cram, or to put in
incubator.
So put me in an incubator.
September 25. 1935.
* Incubator period *
The incubator I spent four months.
I only remember that the incubator was glass, transparent and
with a thermometer. I sat dnutri incubator on cotton. Nothing
more I I do not remember.
Four months later I was taken out of the incubator. This is
done just on January 1 1906. Thus, as I had been born
a third time. My birthday became
assume it is January 1.
[1935]
*
Grigoriev (Semenov hitting in the face).
Here you have winter has come! It's time to stoke the furnace!
How do you?
Semenov. In my opinion, if taken seriously to your comments,
then perhaps it's time to really light the fire.
Grigoriev (Semenov hitting in the face).
And how do you think winter this year will be
Cold or warm?
Semenov. Perhaps, judging by the fact that the summer was
rainy, winter will be cold. If the summer is rainy, the winters
are always cold.
Grigoriev (Semenov hitting in the face).
But I never cold!
Semenov. That is quite true that
You say that you do not feel cold. Y
you have such a nature.
Grigoriev (Semenov hitting in the face).
I do not zyabnu!
Semenov. Oh!
Grigoriev (Semenov hitting in the face).
Oh what?
Semenov (holding his hand on the cheek). Oh!
Face hurts!
Grigoriev. Why does it hurt? (And with these
words grabbed Semenov in the face).
Semenov (falling from a chair). Oh! I do not
I know.
Grigoriev (banging his foot on the Semenov
face). And I have no pain!
Semenov. I love you, son of a bitch, before finalizing
fight! (Tries to get up).
Grigoriev (Semenov strikes in the face).
Also a teacher found!
Semenov (fall back). Scum
lousy!
Grigoriev. Well, you pick them up expressions
easier!
Semenov (trying to climb). I, brother,
long endured. But enough. With you, it is evident
not in the good. You, my friend, are to blame ...
Grigoriev (Semenov heel strikes on
face). Speak! Listen!
Semenov (fall back). Oh! <...>
* History *
Abram Dem'yanovich Pantopasov loud
screamed and pressed to his eyes his handkerchief. But it was
too late. Ashes and dust soft close up Abram Dem'yanovich eyes.
Since that time Abram Dem'yanovich eyes began to ache,
gradually they were covered with nasty sores, and Abram
Dem'yanovich blind.
Blind Abram Dem'yanovich pushed by
Service and nazanchili his meager pension
36 rubles a month.
Quite clear that this money is not
enough for the life of Abraham Dem'yanovich. Kilo
bread cost ten cents a ruble, and lukporey cost 48 kopecks on
the market.
And now disabled worker became more and more
often applied to the pit pits.
It was difficult to blind among all husks and
dirt to find edible offal.
And in a foreign court and a dustbin samoyu
hard to find. Eyes is not seen as
ask: where is your cesspit? -
somehow awkward.
It only remained to sniff.
Some smell like garbage so that for
mile heard, while others, who with a lid, it is impossible to
find.
Well, if the caretaker the good will fall,
the other so shuganet that every appetite
disappears.
Once Abram Dem'yanovich climbed on another
trash, and there it was bitten by a rat, he got back. Since
that day, and ate nothing.
But here one morning Abram Dem'yanovich something bounced
off the right eye.
Abram Dem'yanovich rubbed the eye and
suddenly saw the light. And then from the left
eye something rebounded, and Abram Dem'yanovich
sight. From this day Dem'yanovich Abram went up the hill.
Throughout Abram Dem'yanovich like hot cakes.
And in the People's Commissariat, so there Abram
Dem'yanovich just were not on hand.
And Abram was Dem'yanovich great man.
Daniel Harms.
January 8, 1935
* The accident on the street *
One day a man jumped off the tram, but so unfortunate that
fell under the car.
Movement street stopped and millitsioner began to figure out
how there misfortune.
Driver for a long time something explained, showing
finger at the wheels.
Millitsioner oshupal these wheels and recorded
in his notebook the name of the street.
Gathered around a fairly large crowd.
A man with dull eyes, all
time falls from the pedestal.
A lady kept looking for another lady, and she, in turn, kept
looking at the first lady.
Then the crowd dispersed, and traffic once again restored.
Citizen with dull eyes for a long time
valilsya with tables, but at last, and he, in desperation, it
is clear foothold in the cabinet, lay just on the sidewalk.
At this time a man, carrying
chair, with all his might run over by a tram.
Again came a policeman, a crowd gathered again and stopped
traffic. And the citizen with Tusk eyes again began to topple
pedestals.
Well, then again everything was good, and
Even Ivan S. Karpov turned the dining room.
Daniel Harms.
January 10, 1935
* Article *
Rights was the Emperor Alexander Vilberdat, fencing off a
special place in the cities for children and their mothers,
where they remain only allowed. Pregnant women are also planted
there, a fence, and not insulted his views abhorrent sight of
civilians.
Great Emperor Alexander Vilberdat
understand the nature of children is not worse than the Flemish
artist Teniers, he knew that the children - Is, at best, cruel
and capricious old man. Propensity for children - almost
However, that tendency to the fetus, but prone to the fetus -
is almost the same as the inclination to defecation.
It is unwise to boast: "I am - a good man, because I love
the fetus or because I love to defecate." Likewise, unwise to
boast: "I am a good person because I love children. "
Grand Emperor Alexander Vilberdata at the sight of a child
begins to tear, but this did not prevent him from being
very good man.
I knew a lady who said that
she is willing to spend the night in the stable, in
sty with pigs in lisyatnike, anywhere
- Just not where the smell of their children. Yes,
indeed, it is the most disgusting smell
I would even say: the most offensive.
For adult offensive
the presence of children. And so, during the Great Emperor
Alexander Vilberdata show adult child was considered the
highest insult. This was considered worse than a man spit in
the face, and even get, say, into the nostril. For "insulting
child "relied bloody duel.
[1936-1938]
*
I called the Capuchins. I'm for it, who
should, tear off your ears, and while that does not give
I thank the rest of Jean-Jacques Rousseau. Why did he
knew everything? And how to swaddle children, and how to give
girls in marriage! I would also like so know everything. Yes, I
already know everything, but only in their knowledge is not
sure. About children, I just I know that they do not do
diapers, they must be destroyed. To do this, I'd arranged to
city center hole and threw to go
children. And so the pit was not the stench of decomposition,
it can be every week to pour lime. In this pit, I would have
faced All German Shepherds. Now how
give the girls married. This, in my opinion, more
easier. I would have made a public hall, where
would say, once a month going to all the young people.
Everything from 17 to 35 years, should strip naked and walk
around the room. If someone who liked it, then this pair
goes into a corner and there sees itself
more detail. I forgot to say that
of the neck should hang card with the name and address. Then
the one who came to taste, you can send a letter and
engage more closely acquainted. If
in this case an old man or old woman intervenes,
I propose to notch their hatchet and drag in the same location,
and children in central pit.
I would write more about available me
knowledge, but, unfortunately, have to go to
shop for tobacco. Walking on the street, I always take a thick,
gnarled stick.
I took her with him to beat it
children who folded under my feet. Should be, for me it was
called Capuchin. But wait, the bastards, I'll still obderu
ears!
October 12, 1938 Year period.
* Rehabilitation *
Not bragging, I can say is that when
Volodya hit me on the ear and spat in my
forehead, so I grabbed him, that he did not
forget it. Already then I beat him primus, and
iron I hit him in the evening. So he died
not once. This is not proof
that I cut off his foot earlier in the day. Then he
was still alive. A Andryusha I killed simply
inertia, and in this I can not blame yourself.
Why Andrew to Elizabeth Antonovna caught me by the arm? They
had nothing to jump out from behind the door. I am accused of
bloodlust, they say that I drank the blood
but this is wrong, I lick up blood puddle
and stains, it estesstvenno human need to destroy the traces of
his, even though trumpery crime. And also I am not raping
Elizabeth Antonovna. Firstly, she was no longer a girl, and
secondly, I had to deal with the corpse, and she can not
complain account. That of what it is about
was to give birth? I pulled the child. A
that he did not long been on this
light, this really is not my fault. No, I tore
his head, the reason for that was his subtle
neck. He was not created for this life. This
it is true that I boot smeared on the floor of their
dog. But this is cynicism - blame me
the murder of a dog, when here, there, you can
say, to destroy three lives. Baby I do not think so. Well,
well: in all this (I agree) can be seen some violence on my
part. But considered a crime that I got and defecated on their
victims - is already Excuse me, is absurd. Defecate - the need
estesstvenno, and hence not criminal. Thus, I understand the
concerns of my defender, but still I hope for a full acquittal.
[Tuesday], 10 [June] 1941.
Uncle Gill'om
worked
Alexander Szymanowski
Text printed by VfNG
