Interview: Big Bad Bertha

INTERVIEW: Big Bad Bertha

AZX-Woot is in a lesser-known area of Soho to interview Big Bad Bertha from Renegade. We arranged to meet at her establishment "Big Bertha's Brothel & Retrocomputing Emporium.

ZXW: Hello. You must be Bertha, I'm here for the interview.

BBB: Hya. That's fine, let me check - Ok - Natasha is free for an "interview", as you call it. The rates are $50 for a happy handshake, $100 for Horatio, $375 for a walk in the woods and $500 for a trip to the junkyard. But no funny business - if you try any rough stuff with my girls I'll rip your nuts off and shove them down y-

ZXW: NO! No. I'm here about the matter we discussed on the phone. The interview? About your time on Renegade?

BBB: Oh I see! Sorry I thought you were one of the punters. Let's go to the back office. Go ahead.

ZXW: Tell us about your time working on Renegade.

BBB: It wasn't a great job. They put me in an unflattering vest top and kegs and the only direction I had was "just run at him and let him kick you in the head". I had to stand by and watch all my girls get punched in the chuff, and then get pummelled myself. I wouldn't stand for it now. I can't even say the money was good.

ZXW: Were you disappointed not to appear in any of the Renegade sequels?

BBB: Oh but I did. I was one of the dinosaurs. The only good news about that was that nobody could see my face. The on-set atmosphere wasn't very good, as it was obvious that the whole project was going to be a turkey. Everyone tried their best, the costumes were good, the sets more than serviceable, but there was no escaping the fact that it was a bloody time travelling beat em up! Which bellend came up with that idea?! If it was the 6th in the franchise it'd be more understandable, but the third? Nah.

ZXW: What did you do after the Renegades?

BBB: I spent several years as a nightclub bouncer, then started a management company for other bouncers, general heavies, and hitmen; and then I realised the real money was in prostitution. So I did an NVQ in boudoir management and advanced Madaming and set up my own spot in Soho.

ZXW: And you're still in the trade I see.

BBB: Well, being a Madame is recession-proof, so I'll never stop doing that, but I've diversified. I noticed how popular the whole "retro" thing has become, and people always want sex, so I decided to put the two together. We have a games room with ZX-Spectrums, Amstrads and even a C64 for the real perverts. It's a middle-aged man's paradise. In fact the computer room is probably more popular than the girls. Some of the punters only come in for the gaming, and some of them are interested in the girls, but "they just want to talk"... about retrogaming. So I've had to make sure all my girls are au-fait with everything from early 80s games to modern homebrew, with a smattering of hardware knowledge.

One minute they're giving hand-relief to a middle manager, the next they're comforting some nerd because Salamander wasn't very good on the Speccy. These are the most niche bunch of weirdos they've ever had to cater for!

ZXW: And how do you stay on the right side of the law?

BBB: Well, similar to massage parlours, we use a special lingo to cryptically describe the services we offer. Here's the menu:

0AWilliam Wobbler
Head over Heels
Jet Set Willy
The Dam Busters
Peter Pack Rat
ATaking a shower beforehand

ZXW: Interesting. What does a "Peter Pack Rat" involve?

BBB: If you have to ask, you don't want to know.

ZXW: Okayyyy. Thanks for your time Bertha. Can we get a few pictures before I go? Perhaps at the front of house?

BBB: Yeah sure. I've just had a new sign put up. Sorry about the apostrophe.

ZXW: Great. We're done. Thanks again... Actually, errr, I don't suppose Natasha is still free? I might be interested in a "William Wobbler"

BBB: Let me see. Nope Natasha's busy now, I'm afraid we're full up. But you look like a man that needs a woman that's been around a bit, and knows a few tricks. And I'm very reasonable. Come to Bertha...

ZXW: DEAR GOD NMMMm