Music: BY ZENYA/ZER0
HUMOR.FILTERED
or
fidoshnye jokes
From: Oleg Osin, 2:5020 / 921.333
WHAT IS IT?
* Slots for crafty screw.
* The collection of skin and meat, separated by a fold
and occupies the entire volume available to it.
* Object manipulation doctor proctologist.
* Transcendental entity with a vertical smile
Coy.
* What comes last in the head beetle, vletayusche
Therefore, in the windshield of a moving car?
* The root cause of the increased eyeballs in Chebu
Rushka a well-known anecdote.
* Suvorov crossed the Alps. And after that he
actually had to move, given that
that he lived in Russia?
* "... On this he replied that he had seen them in action
dark and deep place where no one looks into the solar
ntse ... "- said the hero of S. King. So what is this
place?
* How did grow up in the hands of girls who have foot races
here "from the neck?
* Karma toilet.
* The only place that you can now understand
Russia.
* The prototype, which used the Creator when you
choice of the shape of the human brain.
* A suitable place for trehsotdollarovogo bouquet
parsley.
* With dual, indivisible and comprehensive?
* The only way out if you ate the lion.
* The key and inseparable object cycling food
in nature.
* One of the most recommended for study
excursions in the world.
* On what usually falls talking parrot, if it
immediately pull over two legs?
So what is this??
*
From: Andrey Babayan, 2:5053 / 16
KNOW - IT'S TIME TO STOP IF:
* The trip you spend the time with bolshyyu
noytbykom lap, surrendering the child in the luggage.
* Wife says communication is very important in marriage
and you pokypate second computer and do at home
lokalky to be able to chat with his wife on
ICQ.
* You decide to stay another year instityte
or two for free dostypa the Internet.
* You ispolzyete emoticons in ordinary soil bymazhnoy
ones.
* You do not know the half of its three lychshih dryzey, flow
my y that are neutral nicknames and you ask
did not occur to golovy.
* Making home repairs, you can not solve the long -
wallpaper paste or rastyanyt odny kartiny the whole
steny.
* To ylybnytsya, tilted sideways on golovy
90 gradysov.
* Kypanie in the bathroom you call "daynloding.
* You decide to just make them at the computer instead of
chairs ynitaz.
* New friends you introduce yourself as "John @
Email dot py ".
* All your dryzey and friends in the name of a symbol
ox '@'.
* Y your dog has a home page.
* You can not call his parents - y had no
modem.
* Getting up at three o'clock in the morning to go to the
tyalet,
you stay up ytra y computer.
* Wife began to forbid you to take noytbyk in the village
Tel.
* Got in an accident, you instinctively looking knopky "Back".
* Read this, the first thing you transmit data
LIMITED text drygy.
*
From: Serg Fomin 2:5020 / 2452
Somewhere in zabygore appears in Germany, argued two
neighbors on four bytylki schnapps that one of them sest half
baskets yglya ... Ny fact that the stove stoked. When silence
the audience, this worthy myeon ypletaet all ygol ... and gets
on sledyyuschy evening bolnitsy with terrible abdominal pain.
Diagnosis: "poisoning the excessive number of snaps."
*
From: Alexander Temerev, 2:5004 / 21.6
People who think they "need more to drink and
Those who think "must drink less," agree
one - should drink ...".
*
From: Serg Agarkoff 2:5041 / 1.1
WHY Chicken crossing the road?
* The Bible:
And he came down from heaven and saying of his was to a
chicken: "Go way." And the chicken crossed the road; and
received eternal bliss.
* Colonel Sanders:
I missed something?
* Police in Los Angeles:
Give us five minutes to talk with this hen, and we will
definitely know.
* Richard Nixon:
The chicken is crossing the road. I repeat: The chicken did not
crossing the road. I do not know any chicken. I never met with
any chicken.
* Bill Clinton:
I repeat: I did not have sexual relations with
this chicken!
* Martin Luther King Jr.:
I envision a world in which every chicken can cross the road,
without explaining the reasons for its action.
* Grandfather:
In my day we did not ask such questions. We were told that the
chicken crossing the road, and we have this was enough.
* Aristotle:
Go across the road - the natural property of the hens.
* Karl Marx:
It is a historical inevitability.
* Saddam Hussein:
It was unprovoked aggression infidels chickens.
* Ronald Reagan:
What chicken?
* Captain James T. Kirk:
To get there, which have not yet stepped foot chicken.
* Fox Mulder:
You saw it with my own eyes. How many more chickens
must cross the road, that you believe it?
* Machiavelli:
It is important that it passed over the road. And who cares why
she did it? When she finishes transition, then it becomes clear
why. * Freud:
The fact that you care about this issue, says
your sexual insecurity.
* Bill Gates:
The next year (or so later, but in the very near future), I'll
let Microsoft Chicken 2000 which will be built not only
perehodchik roads, archivist for important documents and
accountant for the attention of your balance, but also Internet
Explorer, as an integral part of it.
* Einstein:
That chicken crossed the road or the road came under the
chicken?
* Saint-Exupery:
If the chicken crossing the road, then it's someone who needs
it.
*
From: Aleksander Zajcev, 2:5053 / 2.25
I do not know, anecdote or not, but raskazano
it was like a real event ... So:
By prilavky with all sorts of computerized gadgets
suitable shaven-headed young man, has long been considered
windows. Then, pointing to the Bat and says: "They are y you
Chinese?". The seller responds by Malaysian. "Then let see
closer, "- asks pokypatel. The Seller emy zapechatannyyu
korobky with myshoy. The young man looks at a long korobky,
then asks her to open. Seller opens korobky, pulls and
stretches her Bat pokypatelyu. Pokypatel awhile krytit it pykah
and asks: "And you do something polzyetes this?". "Yes" - meets
a seller. "Well," - says pokypatel - "I kyplyu it y you just
tell us how you shave it. "
*
From: Slawa Alexeew, 2:5020 / 614.1 6
Mercedes worth $ 40,000 and weighs 2 tons, then 1 kg of
Mercedes - $ 20.
Sports bike - $ 1500 with a weight of 7 kg.,
Price - $ 200 (per kg).
Conclusion - the bike is more expensive Mercy 10 times!
Why did the new Russian on bikes are not transplanted?
*
From: Mihail Budenkov, 2:5090 / 36.
> In Mongolia, have a custom: when the birth family> is given a
son, a father plants a tree. If the son vyras> dyrakom melts,
then the tree srybayut ... :)
I was in the Mongolian ... Steppe to the horizon .....
*
From: Anton Blagoveschensky, 2:5020 / 1057.53
Company needed a new cash register. Let's go ... And they
left the car with a driver next to the firm where this unit was
taken. Suited to the car guard and said that, they say, would
be nice to have been driven away or give money, because the
parking fee. At that the driver replied: "Right now, only the
guys take cash ..."
*
From: Alexander Ustimenko, 2:463 / 599
Commentator No comment ...
... Dynamo played to a wide fytbol and Spartak - in
stenky.
... By the way, this match of the first honorary ydar on ap
bitry paid Mayor.
... I have long said: no ymeesh - not simyliryy!
... To radioslyshatelyam was ydobnee watch, ska zhy that the
Dynamo played in white and blue and the Carpathian Mountains -
in green and white form.
... In addition to Dynamo Kiev, Ukraine there is no single
team capable konkyrirovat with Dynamo Kiev.
... Torpedo plays in blue and Dynamo on the left
half of the field.
... United States in 1994 gody took world championship fyt
boly, 1996 - Olympic Games, so So why would they not porychit
the European Championship?
... Somehow neydachno Albanian tried to hit the ball and head
for tsepil nogy our fytbolista.
... A very nervous match: players ytratili control
themselves and one for drygim jump out of the wall, not
looking at predyprezhdeniya arbitrator.
... Because of the joy that scored takomy silnomy soperni ky,
Baggio hung on the gate.
... Agree, not kazhdomy this sityatsii ydaetsya
to pass the ball - the ball was mezhdy feet.
... Well, it's female fytbol. None myzhchina
not continue to igry after falling tyda ball.
... The ball bounced on the bar Shovkovsky.
... In the 1/8th of waiting has finally arrived from the
capital of the Greek Roma Spain.
... 0:0. Commentator: "Spartak is not only not about pystil a
single ball, and has a good percentage the use of scoring
chances. They are in this match did not score a single goal
...".
... Armenian fytbolist up with the player team Uk poplars with
chyvstvom accomplishment.
... In the seventh place in byndeslige Schalke out of town
Hyl-Four.
... The Dnieper substitutions, no, I counted all 11 fytbolis
Comrade.
... Sledyyuschy World Championships held in France. Hence, a
large come fytbol and rodiny three mysh Keter and Hamlet.
... Shevchenko is in a position outside the offside.
... Croatian Haydyk, losing by hody match 3:0,
won 3:2.
... Temyp Ketsba is original hairstyles:
y his makyshke a single hair.
... As my father said dyhovny Danish fytbola Gum years ... Of
course, this shytka I dymayu, he no longer suffered from for
hockey.
... The ball flies in a few millimeters above the head
gate.
... Defenders ydaetsya in ygly central kryga mapping to take
the ball y Shevchenko.
... But Rebrov scattered the defenders of his wand, you
pychalochkoy.
... The process of creating an ensemble of in Black Moretz.
... Lychshe time to lose 4:0 than four times as 1:0.
*
From: Dmitry Rubinstain, 2:5040 / 59.1
Following the recent antitrust hearings, Bill
Gates compared the software market with the market soft
beverages. He said that Microsoft is struggling to survive,
while the giant beverage industry will be the century because
they were not involved in the Justice Department. Of course,
Bill should be more careful in his statements and not to give
ideas Koke and then we can get here are here are the results:
Joe: (included in McDonald) Hey, I want a Big Mac.
Waiter: OK, here's your Big Mac and here's your cola. C
you $ 3.99 ...
Joe: What? I do not want Coke.
Waiter: Excuse me, but it comes.
Joe: What? I will not pay for the stake!
Waiter: And you do not pay - Coke is free.
Joe: But the same week a Big Mac cost all
of $ 2.49?
Waiter: Yes, but this latest Big Mac ku
da best ever. It even built
cola!
Joe: I already bought across the road beer and cola I
drinking will not.
Waiter: Then you will be without the hamburger.
Joe: Well, to hell with you. I'll pay 4 bucks and
throw your Coke.
Waiter: But you can not do it. They are closely
but integrated and totally inseparable
us.
Joe: What a nonsense? This is also very time
nye stuff!
Waiter: No! Look! (Throws a Big Mac in cola)
See?
Joe: Why did you do?
Waiter: It is an advantage for the consumer. Otherwise
you will receive two different, nesovmes
reversible taste. And so you pochuv
corresponds to a single and unique stable
vy taste at all your meals!
Joe: 8-E ~
*
ma Why did you do?
Waiter: It is an advantage for the consumer. Otherwise
you will receive two different, nesovmes
reversible taste. And so you pochuv
corresponds to a single and unique stable
vy taste at all your meals!
Joe: 8-E ~
*
Music: REMIXED BY ZHENYA/ZER0
HUMOR.FILTERED
or
fidoshnye jokes
*
From: Alexey Chekunkov (2:5020 / 301.25)
SECTS
Sects - this is very serious, in most
sects verbyyut people directly to ylitsah, this process
placed on the conveyor. And to make it easier to evaluate
their global and mogyschestvo, I'll briefly rasskazhy on one of
these sects ...
* Sect, referred to, has moschneyshyyu times
vetvlennyyu network, its affiliates have nearly
in each city.
* The sect has a well razvityyu sistemy support
as information, financial and power in
including gosydarstvennyh stryktyah. Rykovod
the set centrally. Confrontation mezhdy particular
GOVERNMENTAL individuals and the organization almost all
always ends in polzy sect. Information on other
a reward for not being disclosed.
* A number of government officials and pro ychenyh
sneeze prominent openly members
the organization. Anyway, in this organization
tion was involved in almost every member of the cab
Neta ministers.
* In order to avoid falling into the network data
zation, one must have a good connection
in influential stryktyrah or sufficiently
Chiyah money, or very well-developed health and ym
vy sense.
* Activities are organized recruitment of colorful, PRAZ
dnichno and psychologically very competently - Individuals
by sklady yma or other characteristics are not transmitted
PWM selection, fine is imposed from outside not chyvstvo
usefulness and public censure.
* Persons trapped in sekty, long-term restrictions
Ny their rights. Bolshyyu part of the active personality
Nogo vynyzhdeny time they spend on business organizations
Organization, and even staying in krygy family oschyscha
Ute responsibilities entrusted to them.
* In the sect, there is a clear gradation of "yrovnyu
Development Tia. "Go on novyyu stypen occurs after
completion predydyschey by the decision of the Committee and
leads
direct pykovodstva.
* Vnyternnyaya ogranizatsiya the sect rigid hierarchy
cally. The lower members of the sect are in full
subordinate y its direct leadership. In the first
initially caught in sekty handles one member
senior managers in the future, after the passage of
three years of treatment, they are transferred etapy
more yzkim professionals. Also vnytri sects have
strict rules of conduct for its members,
for naryshenie which sledyet punishment, often with
entering into a private matter recruited. As
developed a system to attract the most active of
ychastnikov in sistemy vnytrennego ypravleniya. But
and it ypravlenie only illusory, for the transition to
yroven organizer trebyetsya at least 15 years
from the start of recruitment.
* Rarely komy from falling into it ydaetsya break
of the network organization to attend a full kyp
self-processing. When relocation Leach
nye case transferred to the regional member of the
organization nomy koordinatory new district. If cheloveky
any way ydalos break out of this orbit
zation, then it is applied seal incomplete
notsennosti, difficulties with work hour
then lost communication with the rest of the sect dryz
s.
* Finance vnytri sects at least
interesting. At nyzhdy sect, direct or indirect,
idyt permanent collection "contributions" to its members. Pain
Shy of that money goes directly nyzhdy
the spatial pykovodstva, some sent to more than
higher authority. Rykovoditeli small staff, no
directly engaged in processing new members,
virtually devoid of these sredsv, here also a kind of
on the competent work of psychologists - to content
families they have to spend more time on
raboty in the sect. For ykryvaniya taxes often
ispolzyyutsya charitable activities undertaken by
lower part of the sect.
* It is likely that you, the reader of this tech
hundred, was involved in this sect.
Her name - Secondary School.
*
From: Alex Kuznetsov (2:5084 / 10.3)
>> And then bydet Hebrew: "Ani mydak, above ebadti check>>
dahyy. Perevozhy: "I am concerned that he lost by>> srocheny
check." :-)
Just dawned on me that pyssky mat pridymali Jews! :) Yes yzh
... To our times has reached a distorted "I my @ # k, proj # $
l a check for $ # @ rd". :)))
*
From: Dmitry Alehin (2:4625 / 53.4)
Problem in physics:
Computer statics
Preface
Currently, the polytechnics are increasingly paid
attention to the study computer. The purpose of this tool kit -
fully prepare people to communicate with the computer and
provide them with invaluable assistance. Author's group in the
Alekhine Dmitri and Andrei Mironishina wish you health and
success.
Lesson number 1
1. Winchester thrown from a height of two meters on the
asphalt. Number of bad blocks is 256. Find the initial
velocity, if it was a Fujitsu hard drive 6.4 MPD.
2. Solve the preceding problem, provided that the hard drive is
not thrown to the pavement, and the head of Bill Gates (hint:
nonrelativistic effect and limit the speed of light be
ignored).
3. On the motherboard Soyo beat with a hammer. Find the kinetic
energy of the hammer at the moment of impact on the processor
Intel P-II.
4. Question: My computer at work decided to pour
water. The task: to explain the owner of the computer, what for
it had to do. (Run Lab number 1).
5. Drunk sysop beats the mouse on a monitor with a frequency of
166 MHz. Given that the mouse is made of stainless plastic, and
monitor Samsung, find out how many bottles of beer drank a
sysop.
6. At one birthday party, friends came up with
great idea to burn a computer birthday. Find the heat emitted
during the combustion of the host, who threw himself on fire
after the computer.
7. Through the motherboard missed sinusoidal voltage. Find
active and reactive power on each of the elements of the
motherboard, if you know that as a result of all the elements
burned.
Lab 1.
Topic: Safety when dealing with owners
cement computer.
Objective: To perform laboratory work number 1.
Apparatus and materials: PC, company owner, a mug of
hole (in the absence of water
allowed to use
flammable substances).
Proceedings.
1. Find computer. Make sure it's working. Make friends with the
owner. 2. Somehow during the game to ask the owner
brought a little water.
3. During the absence of the owner to remove the cover from the
system unit, and when the owner brings the water carefully,
especially paying attention to the joints wires, pour the
system unit. 4. Remember your feelings before and after the
moment of impact with a heavy object owner. 5. Draw a
conclusion about the inadmissibility of such actions in future.
Test questions for self-examination.
1. Who am I?
2. Where am I?
3. Why and how different feeling before and after
Impact?
4. Why host computer refused to call an ambulance after
dropping you from the third floor? 5. Why not start dating with
people living in apartment buildings?
Best of luck!
*
From: Alex Kuzmin (2:5055 / 46.19)
All you've probably heard the expression "party program".
What would happen if political parties actually wrote the
program?
The program of the Communist Party
The latest versions are documented as compatible with
other programs, but in reality after the installation tends to
destroy them. Interface text, white letters on red background.
The kernel is written over a hundred years ago, since then not
only fixes old bugs but also added many new ones. Believes that
all files should be the same size. Periodically announce any
extension of harmful and deletes files with that extension
across the disk. Requests for confirmation have the only
answer, "Give!". Attempts to allocate resources for their tasks
without worrying about their physical presence, and in case of
failure block error messages. When you request a diagnostic
output file is generated in advance, telling you that all is
well. Does not accept emails from the outside and nails the
problem is trying to send. Not compatible with modern
technology. Can not be uninstalled legal means.
The program of the Liberal Democratic Party
Has a bright, fussy interface and nondisconnectable sound
effects, high volume. Can be installed at least for HT, but
says the extremely high demands on system resources and on any
machine seeks to capture them, as much as possible. Reports
extensive use profanity, especially if the user - a woman.
Constantly threatens to break Pentagon servers and arrange
mail-bombing the U.S. president, but not physically contain
modules, capable of something like that. Displays many warnings
and error messages, including the most improbable, but it never
freezes, does not fall and not unloaded from memory, even if
the user really wants. In the derivation of diagnostic begins
to bargain with the user, promising to bring good results if it
will allocate more resources. Asks a high price for the
installation and twice as much - for the uninstallation.
Program the Yabloko
Has a beautiful, classy, but not all, intuitive
interface. Refuses to work with other programs. Provides a
powerful diagnostic module, always ready to give the user
detailed advice in any situation, but the offer to perform a
specific operation always produces a message with a reasoned
explanation as to why this operation can not be implemented. It
works only on computers that the company Apple.
PDR Program
Was once the main system module and still trying to
fulfill this function. Has a weird interface and unreadable
documents. Error Messages ascribes the previous and subsequent
versions, as well as external processes. Attempts to solve the
problem of lack of resources, constantly asking user to insert
a new floppy disk and then promising to give the two. When a
task requests a memory, said that the memory is successfully
allocated, but really distinguishes it is not earlier than six
months later, selected at other tasks. In the final tight end
hangs the machine.
(C) YuN, 1998
*
From: Timur Kulmukhametov (2:5011 / 73)
>> How to remove belly fat? Help, what exercises
>> Best way to get rid of a small stomach. Ka>> Kie general
techniques and methods?
Hara-kiri ... 3 sets of 8-12 repetitions. Daily ...
*
From: Aleksey Maslov (2:5020 / 416.13)
DOS
(DDT "Rain")
DOS ... The blue veil of the screen is filled pure DOS.
Mouse ... Became vdryg square, lost formy mouse.
I broke the window, devyanostopyatoe favorite window
I put the DOS, and then yvidel: is happiness - that's it.
Hryuknyl hard drive, and iron quietly under zaryrshalo
table ...
Zagryzilos! Hey, let's us see what how much;
Come on DOS and let's work ymnoy his head ...
See the same myself! Because DOS is not a fairy tale, it's true:
he was with you!
Tears on the glasses ... Weird glasses, and maybe tears
face ...
DOS cleared everything, everything that was superfluous y me
C: drive
I pressed F8, and hilarious Norton ydalyal me everything:
Forty megabytes. Maybe even more, maybe even
sixty.
And I introduced: the city flooded vdryg razymnymi
Persons:
Everyone came under DOS, but damn WINDOWS - ydalyali,
dammit.
Forgetting WORD, COREL DRAW, and other real
Hemorrhoids
People put the DOS, as if in paradise come in DOS,
Plain, pure DOS ...
*
mnymi
Persons:
Everyone came under DOS, but damn WINDOWS - ydalyali,
dammit.
Forgetting WORD, COREL DRAW, and other real
Hemorrhoids
People put the DOS, as if in paradise come in DOS,
Plain, pure DOS ...
*
