AY-Track: "PORA DOMOY" (S. GAZA), gft4KARLSON
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Some edition: Ze Pagan / PGC / BD
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PrYuvet, People! Since this issue of April, it would be
doubly remiss if the wording would be cheated of his pair of
Ten ruleznyh anecdotes. I've been a little warning in advance
and picked up, in my opinion, good jokes. Read up on health and
have fun. Started!
*
Two swallows flying low over the water, one other
knowledgeable voice says: - Soon the rain will.
- How do you know?
- Yes, people have such a sign is: if swallows are flying low
over the water, it's the rain.
If your computer freezes, unplug the power cord,
squeezed glass.
Clinical studies have shown that
people chewing ORBIT, at least there
teeth.
Jew comes to the passport office.
- Tell me now really count "nationality" is not specified?
- Indeed.
- And now we have Sarah and passports will
without this column?
- Yes. Once they have you will be hexagonal.
- What are the similarities between the guinea pig and a female
programmer? - The guinea pig has nothing to do
with the sea, nor the pig.
I bought a new Russian Tamagotchi. Well, so far
where the arrows disassembly of the meeting. He,
All times are dead, two died and another has died. Well, he and
his wife gave Tamagotchi. Take care, said yes in closer to one
not dead. Well, now, relax it somehow
time with friends on the weekend. Went to the pool
dive, and a pager on the table left. Returned, and friends to
him and say: - Well, you krutoooy, damn it!
-??
And they show him a pager, a message there. "Your dolphin
sleeps, a dinosaur shit removed, and the penguin is still dead,
no matter how fed.'s Wife."
- Hi, Sarah Abramovna!
- Hello, Celia Markovna!
- Why not ask me how my health?
- How is your health?
- Oh, and do not ask!
The Executioner comes home with a big sack.
In a bag something move and blather. Wife:
- What a nonsense, then lugged?
- Oh, halturku at home.
At the gates of the State Duma of two picket
- Communist and democratic. Communists stand with placards:
"Lenin is always alive!" Democrats: "Yeltsin was always
healthy!"
Kangaroo walks into a bar and asks Gin
tonic. Bartender stunned and trying to strike up a conversation:
- Yes, not often come to us kangaroos.
- Still, gin and tonic and fifteen dollars!
At the supermarket, a young man buys
jar Nescafe and a packet of condoms. An hour later another
young man buys the same thing. Two hours later, the third young
person buys the same set. Curious girl could not resist and
asked for the fourth: - Why do people buy the same thing?
- We love to visit Nadia.
Two freak climbed on the roof shestnadtsatietazhki. Look
down. One friend says: - Hey, here high?
- Well, the flight will be five days.
- Hey, if you jump, you can die?
- Of course you can, five days without food and water.
An examination of economic geography.
Question:
- What do we import from India?
- I do not know.
- Well, what we drink every day?
- Is the brine?
Abram's wife died. He comes to the newspaper - the
announcement to give. Paid a minimum and gives the text: "Sarah
was dead." He said: - But for a minimal price you can give
four words.
- Then add: "Buy Moskvich".
Zoology lesson. Teacher:
- How do hedgehogs breed?
Vovochka:
- Very, very carefully.
Talking on the phone:
- I'll come to you now, fire away fish.
- But I do not fish!
- You fire away, I'll bring the fish.
Hot summer day, mid-19th century ... On the shore of the
pond in the gazebo sits a gentleman in front of him on the
table in the coffee pot, a pipe in his hand. At his feet lies a
favorite greyhound gentleman named Yerofeyich ... Hot ...
Boring things ... Barin (lazy): - Ivan! Ivaaan!
Suitable Ivan:
- Here I am, sir.
- Ivan, Yerofeyich tread on its tail.
- Sir, yes you that he's my bite! I can not!
- Will, I tell you, a soldier sent!
Ivan comes greyhound begins to bite him in a minute
everything calms down.
Ivan:
- Sir, Well, I told you - bite!
Gentleman thoughtfully:
- Yes, Ivan does not love you ... Yerofeyich ...
Udut desert Ukrainian and a Jew. One bag of fat, the other -
a bag of gold. Eat Hunt, a Jew and says:
- Kume, give Meni shmatochek fat.
- No, Abraham, this is not possible. Let's yak poryadni Luda,
zrobymo market will torguvatisya.
Well, in short, took a Ukrainian fat and cut into small
pieces. And screaming in all Throat:
- UKRAINIAN fat - Same Tovsty a Sweetie!
Pidhodte Luda good!
Jew asks:
- Skilki koshtue odyn shmatochok fat?
- Mishawaka gold.
- You scho, zduriv?!
- And you Pidie the bazaar, maybe deshevshe znaydesh!
- Moishe! Do not drink a lot of hot tea!
- Why?
- Do you burst bladder and you still
burn your own all the legs!
Sarah at a party:
- My husband - syphilitic and loudmouth!
- Sarah, as you say: do not syphilitic
and loudmouth, a philatelist and numismatist!
Vegetarians have asked:
- You do not eat meat because they are very fond of animals?
- No, I hate plants!
Caught a man from a river mermaid, and she says to him:
- Forgive me, my good fellow, I will
your three wishes!
Man scratched his head:
- You know, the mermaid, the desire I have one, but
thou shalt make it three.
Male:
- Honey, what is the coccyx, I have something not
remember?
- It's the end of the spine.
The husband scratched his head and thought:
- Strange, but I have this headache.
New Russian hired for your child
Tutor-Englishman. One child at night
old English tale says:
- ... and then from the woods beyond the goblin ...
- Who the hell?
- Sleep, damn it! ..
A woman asks in a high cabinet shop.
She asked:
- Do you have that ceiling high?
- No, neighbor.
There are two customs officers at the border. See
- Goes a man on a bicycle, and on the trunk
he has a pack of Marlboro.
- That bastard - says one - excise
goods transportation.
- Do not do it for personal needs can be tax-free - says the
second. The next day saw the same man on
bicycle, and on the trunk - a pack of Marlboro.
- You bastard, I have just shtrafanu.
- Yes, you calm down, he is entitled. Personally
for themselves.
The situation is repeated every day for
two months. The result is both a customs officer
do not stand up. Suited to the man on the bike and say:
- Guys, take our truck, loading it
cigarettes and drove there at once. We love you
even touch will not only lacked
each day with a bundle.
- What do you want from me? I do not need your
truck, I have surpassed all the bikes.
Q: Why is killed Ivan Tsarevich?
Answer: He strangled a toad.
Goes out of the closet secretary. And for
ear her Tampax laid. Boss saw her and
says:
- What is behind your ear?
- What, Where ... Damn! And where are my felt-tip pen?
Flying flock of files - all stoned
in drabadan, because in another state
Files do not fly. They fly, fly, and
suddenly cut one that is already an hour flying over the vast
green field. Lost, no landmarks. But then leader notices that
bottom grows a small green bush, and sitting under a bush a
little gray zaychishka. They quickly to him. The leader asks: -
Leveret, brother, tell me, where is the north where the south,
we got lost. Leveret thought and said:
- This, guys, a complex question, I will go and
I'll ask my mother - and rode away.
Files waited for his moment, then flew in the direction where
the hare uprygal. Look - is a house. These flies and stare out
the window. And then the mom-doe-hare son inserts: - What is
the north? What is the South? Which Files? Again, smoked
marijuana? Come march in the corner!
Middle-aged woman comes home after
work, tired. Comes into the store, buy products. Is going on
with string bags. Suddenly, it blocks the path of an
exhibitionist, sharp movement opens his coat and
shows her his farm in all its glory. The woman looks up and
thinks: "Oh, and do not forget to buy a sausage. "
When you talk to God - this is called prayer. When God
speaks to you - it's called schizophrenia.
In the market she buys a fur coat.
- How much is this coat?
- 5000
- And for beautiful eyes 500 reset?
The seller thought:
- Okay, pick out.
Soviet times. Lecture at the company.
Lecture theme - the division of labor. Explaining
all that is possible, the lecturer ends it, but
from the audience is asked to explain in any
concrete example:
- "Comrades! What is the division of labor, you
ask me? Here is a good example: The Soviet Union makes from
clay whistles for Mongolian Chebanov. Those, in turn, deliver
the skins of sheep ... - In the Soviet Union?
- No, comrades! They deliver the skins to Hungary, where they
excrete and send ... - We?
- No, comrades! Hungarians deliver their
in Germany, where he made first-class coats. A sheepskin
available ... - We?
- Oh, no! Coats go for the currency to
West, but the friendly Bulgaria supplies us with the clay used
to make whistles for Mongolian herders ...
In one house lived two family namesakes. One of them died
and another left on a business trip to Africa. From there he
sent a telegram to his wife. The postman brings a telegram and
mistakenly hands her the widow of the deceased. She reads and
faints. Postman is trying to pump out, it does not work, he
takes the telegram and reads it: "He reached safely. Peklo
terrible."
Sits on a hill lizard. Past the flies
sparrow, and seeing it landed nearby.
Asks:
- Who are you?
- I'm a dinosaur.
- So I say to you died?
- Lie, hurt us.
Teacher:
- Children, guess the name of the well-known character,
beginning with the letter "B" living in a country of fools,
which is everywhere poking his long nose?
- Berezovsky! - In unison shouting children.
Met cat with a dog. Decided to live together. Married.
Wanted to have children. However, nothing happens. Go to a
doctor, the doctor made the necessary tests and said: "You will
not have kids. Because you - the boys. "
Piglet once asked the hungry
Winnie the Pooh:
- Winnie, listen, and you are what nationality?
- I'm not sure, but when I look at you
Piglet, I was in my sawdust The demand is growing
climbs the idea that I - toupee!
Prince Ivan went into the restaurant French. Earned him a
frog. Hit it against the ground and became a beautiful maiden.
Bil-bil Ivan girl on the floor - not converted back into a
frog. I had to have it.
Guy comes home and tells his wife with surprise:
- Honey, you know, our Tamagotchi became pregnant!
-??
A guy takes out a "Tamagotchi" from his pocket and shows to his
wife. There's an inscription: "I'm pregnant." - Idiot, it's
pager!
Georgians wanders around the zoo without much
interest. Comes in the monkey house and stops in his tracks in
front of the cell with a gorilla. Views minute, another hour.
Then approaches the cage: - Vic, did you?
Male reading the newspaper, zhenasmotrit the window
and says:
- It's raining.
Male, not looking up from his newspaper:
- Tell me that I was not home.
- I have been to several doctors and none
agreed with your diagnosis.
- Well, wait for the autopsy.
Yesterday, imagine standing in the church office is suddenly
beside me Grandma - you are not believe - flicking a cigarette,
lights up and starts to smoke! I have a little beer out of the
hands not fallen.
How to pack a parachute. Allowance.
Issue 2 nd, revised.
In the doctor's office is a girl.
- Take off your coat, please ...
- Why? I do because it hurts your ear!
- In that case you will not see me. I am an ophthalmologist.
New Russian detained. Sitting, poor fellow, at the station.
- Name.
- Whose?
- Name.
- Whose?
- Whose Whose. Mexican or something?
During the passage of the medical commission at the
recruiting office depressed candidate recruits on the team
medic, "sit down" obediently sat on a chair. - Best service,
without limitation - followed by a final medical report. -
Next, please. - Listen, - protested now
not a candidate, and the recruit - because you do not even
bother to examine me.
- Nonsense, - said the officer. - My team
you hear, your eyes examined the chair and
you had the brains to do my
order. So go ahead, in Saigon, my boy!
Compartment. On the bottom shelf sits a man and a rest.
Suddenly, from the top shelf, he hears moans:
- Oh, bad! How do I feel bad!
Lower man says:
- So get down, right now for a beer - and all pass.
On top again:
- Oh, bad! Oh, poor me!
A guy from below:
- Come down, me and the fish is, forget everything.
- Oh, my bad, bad-it is!
Peasant bored, he gets up and looks
upstairs. There is another guy on his stomach, and
in the back of it the ax sticking out.
- A-ah. You are in this sense.
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And in the end - army jokes from
Alexei Ilyin.
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... What if a war or some other event?
... And you even ear does not blink.
... And here is the current, goes and turns
in tension.
... Automatic butt should feel
your right buttock.
... Pampering arms, comrades soldiers
still lead to nowhere.
... Your responsibilities at the operational duty is precise
and quick maneuvering between the bucket with water, electric
kettle and an officer. ... Washington, the Pentagon and other
NATO countries. ... The head of the soldier to think, and
brains to think. ... DOSAAF - it is voluntary and not
so it you want - uchastvuesh, and you want -
no.
... Divide 60 by 3, we get roughly 20, and
rather we not have to.
... Orderly should not go beyond the radius of the square of
its tables. ... Patrol car is sent forward
Distance visual memory.
... If you will act as lead, make
do mock training corps in full size.
... If you are being punished for anything - be thankful that
you are in no way guilty. ... If in time to wear a gas mask,
then instantaneous death is not immediately apparent.
... I have a soldier - not the soldier, and
as a student.
... Wishing to speak no more, so
have to resort to force.
... Fence painted green paint any
color.
... Burn to his hand on my leg or the other does not
get lost place.
... The Globe is like a circle.
... And what do you have in your mathematics teaching:
do not know how to walk, stand, do not know how ...
... Ivanov, and with you, we'll talk more in
three-fifteen hundred.
... Go and do your personal hygiene.
... Beware! Another violation, and
you will not be able to pull my end!
Further, the collected sayings of my own in our division ...
Lt. Col., on several occasions handed command: EQUALS! Were!
He did not like how the team performed in the end, he uttered:
... At the command of "equals" a person shall be above the
skull!
On the divorce of daily duty, duty,
checking the readiness of the military patrol
town, pronounced the following:
... So! Weapons have received? I come at night to
you and check. To all 12 trunks sticking out like a forest in
the forest!
And finally, my most favorite quote.
Go quickly to remove the snow and then melt
When using this material or
extracts from it, refer to the author. Write to me everything,
everything, everything over and just like that, I will be glad
obsheniyu. My address in the "AD".
