Stories about Lenin - (2/3)

=============================================================================== | Forwarded by Vyacheslav Mednonogov (500:812/1.30) | Area : SU.HUMOR (Area from /675) | From : Dmitriy@now.at, 2:5020/400 (11 Nov 00 11:25) | To: All | Subj : Stories about Lenin - (2/3) =============================================================================== Reply-To: Dmitriy@now.at From: "Dmitriy Kozyrev" Hello All! - --- How Stalin became Lenin's heir Vladimir Ilyich did not have his own children. Things weren’t going well between him and Nadezhda Konstantinovna. Now a congress, now a revolution. was to take care of the children. But still, Lenin loved children very much. All sorts of gifts for them gave, stroked his head. Even in tag sometimes I played with them. The children run away, and Vladimir Ilyich catches them. And he catches it, and well pull your ears. Fun! And then I saw it one day Lenin of a little boy of Georgian nationality. Nothing seems to be a boy about thirty years old. But - snotty! It's a shame became Vladimir Ilyich - why is he such a good boy and snotty? And he says he to the boy: “Will you, Ioska, not anyone, but Stalin himself." The boy was happy. And when Kondraty Lenin enough, I took his place. And it became like owner. But he didn’t take Nadezhda Konstantinovna as his wife. He didn't like her that is it? And who, really, is like this? will you like it? Why Lenin never served in the armyIn tsarist times they wanted to force Vladimir Ilyich into the army. Summoned to the right place and let's consult. Why is he a soldier? Shave if he is already bald? And then - you have to undress the person, examine him everything is detailed. What if he's lame? Here The commission's opinions differed. One part says: “You can’t undress him. This is Lenin himself." And the other: “Yes, even Napoleon, We don't care. We need to inspect, so we’ll inspect.” Vladimir Ilyich, bright head, he squinted his eyes slyly and said: “You can’t Undress me, gentlemen satraps. I'm completely naked under my clothes." Commission I thought and decided - let me live in civilian life remains. Just let him provide a certificate that he is good for nothing. Lenin I immediately ran to the hospital and got a certificate from there brought. They say that he is completely sick and calls himself Lenin. So from Lenin the tsarist The guardsmen unhooked. But the Germans don't disdained. They didn’t care about Lenin’s certificate. They give money to Vladimir Ilyich given for the revolution. And it’s right that he and not anyone else. Anyone else would have spent their German money on drink. And Lenin is on their case used. How they wanted to shoot Vladimir Ilyich Before the revolution, all workers and peasants were poor. And Vladimir Ilyich is also poor was. Because he is from the peasants happened. Or maybe from the workers. Under autocracy, Vladimir Ilyich from bread to interrupted the water. I spent everything in a month twenty five thousand rubles. Could Vladimir Ilyich pay twenty-five thousandlive? And Vladimir Ilyich had a cook. She served him for free, for nothing. One day the cook told Vladimir To Ilyich: “You are an exploiter, Ilyich. I’m on I bend your back and prepare food. And you spare a penny for the old woman.” I was surprised here Vladimir Ilyich. Looks like a woman, like a woman, but still talking. Then he asks the cook: “And when the revolution wins, would you agree with the state manage?" The cook was delighted and began to wait for the revolution. I'm tired of it, go near it slabs hang around. Then the revolution accomplished. And everyone became rich. Especially Vladimir Ilyich. Only the cook was still poor. Probably I cooked poorly. One day she couldn’t stand it anymore, took a gun and went straight to Vladimir Ilyich. I found him and says: “Why are you, you Marxist giblet, not keeping your word?” Vladimir Ilyich, don’t be a simpleton, answers: “Yes, because!” There’s a cook and fired. Vladimir Ilyich after this cured. And the cook turned out to be Faina Kaplan. Why did Vladimir Ilyich announce prohibition? As soon as the working masses, led by Vladimir Ilyich, won, Prohibition was introduced in Russia. Comrades from the Central Committee At first they were perplexed. Like, why was blood shed if you can’t drink it? But then Vladimir Ilyich a couple of million He shot the instigators, and everyone understood that drinking was harmful. And only now, later eighty years, historians in everythingWe figured it out. It turned out that Vladimir Ilyich was not at all against vodka. For example, in one thousand nine hundred and three, in emigration, Vladimir Ilyich was so cut up that he could hardly create a revolution in a neutral He didn’t do it to Switzerland. Okay, local comrades. They tied them up with towels. Since then, Vladimir Ilyich tried not to abuse it. Beer a mug is, of course, sacred. And so that “white” - no, no. From “white” Vladimir Ilyich’s delusions of grandeur worsened. And so, immediately after the revolution, civil war happened. The people got free rein. If you want, drink, if you want, eat with a spoon. Where get vodka for everyone, if there is such a thing in the country devastation? So Vladimir Ilyich announced prohibition. And how the revolution finally won, then this law was repealed. And we again leaned on this matter. Still haven't left we can. How Vladimir Ilyich starved together with the working people In the post-revolutionary years, a parcel arrived for Lenin. Not much at all, tons per three. And the parcel contains potatoes, lard and letter. Vladimir Ilyich opened the parcel and first of all read the letter. “Dear Lenin! We send you the products that we taken away from their children. The children, of course, will die of hunger, but that’s okay. New Let's give birth. If only you, Vladimir Ilyich, don’t lost weight. Don't joke especially with lard. If you eat it without bread, you can easily earn indigestion. Yes and with sugar be careful. So that your face doesn't crack. Greetings, peasants of such and suchdistrict." Lenin called Comrade Podvoisky. And tells him: “Here in the letter the peasants write about sugar. And sugar is just no. Wasn't it you who devoured him, comrade? Podvoisky?" Comrade Podvoisky trembled. And Vladimir Ilyich came up and I turned out his pockets in a friendly manner. And there's not only sugar, but also bread crumbs. Comrade Podvoisky turned out to be a bastard. Ordered Vladimir Ilyich Podvoisky to spank, yes I forgave in time. Just think, sugar. Bolsheviks are also people. They should eat too I want to. But the peasants were wrong about lard. No indigestion, even if without bread. Why Lenin loved cinema Vladimir Ilyich spent every free minute at the cinema. Will he take Nadezhda Konstantinovna or Inessa Armand, or even both at once, and off to the cinema. I didn’t get out of there for weeks. Lenin especially respected films about Indians. He'll look at it, and then he'll start crushing the Socialist-Revolutionaries. A natural Apache, by God. A I refused to watch anything about love. On They kiss on the screen, and Vladimir Ilyich blows. Give him all the shooting, real fights. And Nadezhda Konstantinovna with Inessa Armand talks about love and blows her nose. Weeping through and through, like fools. So Vladimir Ilyich decided that for Cinema is the most important art for us. And they began to make films in the USSR. Without love and other nonsense. But with shooting and fights. In one such movie, “Lenin in October,” Vladimir Ilyich himself played the role played the artist Shchukin. In the credits as wellwrote: “Lenin is the artist Shchukin.” Then from Shchukin all over the country of monuments stuck on. Everyone thinks it's Lenin. And this artist Shchukin himself. Like Vladimir Ilyich hunted hares After working in the Council of People's Commissars, Vladimir Ilyich loved with wander around with a gun. He'll take the gun and wanders, wanders. He used to come up to a sailor and ask: “How are you, comrade? Are you looking at your fist?" Sailor confused, scratching his head. He says: “Why, a fist? We’re not into it.” let's look at all. We, Vladimir Ilyich, are people family." “Ay-ay-ay,” answers Vladimir Ilyich. And then he smiles slyly, the gun will be raised. Fart - and no sailor... And one day the workers of the Putilov plant gave Vladimir Ilyich a machine gun "Maxim" was given as a gift. I really liked it This is a gift for Vladimir Ilyich. I liked it so much that he gave it a name - "Maxim Gorky". Every Sunday Vladimir Ilyich took the Maxim with him hunting. He will go out to the outskirts of the village and place tripod, the shutter will jerk. And - tra-ta-ta. Half of the village was as usual. Vladimir Ilyich personally butchered the killed game. He hangs them on a bag of rabbit ears and goes home, to the Kremlin. Passers-by look around and say to each other: “No way.” Vladimir Ilyich was hunting in Gorki. Look, Comrade Sverdlov’s ears are dangling.” And such glory about the hunt of Vladimir Ilyich spread that walkers were coming to him from all over the world. Thousands came. Hundreds thousand. Who will bring the potatoes? Who is the bread fromlast stocks. They thought that Vladimir Ilyich would be interested in vegetarianism. They didn’t know, fools, that Comrade Lenin - carnivorous creature. Why can’t a normal person understand anything in Vladimir Ilyich’s books? Everyone knows that Vladimir Ilyich was bald, short and burry. Everyone knows that he couldn't pronounce the letter "r". Here's what the letters he pronounced, no one knows. In fact, Vladimir Ilyich not a single did not pronounce a consonant. In vowels he It seems that he was also confused, although in this case science still has doubts. Since childhood To Vladimir Ilyich the simplest words are not were given. For example, he called his cap a hat. Because the word "cap" his performance is indecent the curse turned. In order to somehow communicate with the working masses Vladimir Ilyich many foreign learned languages. He especially learned English. Consonants in English language a little. Here he is before and learned other languages. And so Vladimir Ilyich said fluently in English that The British themselves could not understand him. Leading British linguists went crazy. They threw themselves into the Thames in batches. It's a shame they thought that some Russian self-taught speaks English better than all His Majesty's subjects combined... Many years have passed. The revolution has won forever eternal. The USSR and the brotherhood of peoples were formed in Russia. Socialist happiness has arrived. Only the students suffered while memorizingworks of Vladimir Ilyich. It looks like letters ordinary. And the books are heavy. And the dean of the Leninism department is not completely finished idiot. And it is impossible to understand anything. It would be so and suffered if not for perestroika. And suddenly one scientist in the books of Vladimir Ilyich began to dig around and accidentally discovered that they are all written in English. The letters, however, are Russian. But the words are English. That's why a normal person You can't even make out a damn thing about Lenin's writings. - --- Best regards, Dmitry. -+- ifmail v.2.15dev5 + Origin: The author expresses gratitude to Alphabet for kindly predosing (2:5020/400) ===========ReadMeAgain====================================================================== Get Msg, All! [I.ZX] --------------------------------> Warm greetings, Slava! Virtual Real Unit <-------- Faint Pearl mailme: copper_feet@mail.ru icq#me: 81191986