The Crayon Addiction Hoax

HYDE PARK

Now it's time for a few bits of news and assorted rubbish.

— Krzychu, how about: “bits of crap and scraps”?
— Shut up!

Guess he doesn't like it. Then maybe “little trifles and complete nonsense”?

— Krzychu, how about “little trifles and complete nonsense”?
— Get your hands off me!

That one's out too!

— Krzychu, what about “idiot bits and stupid rhymes”? (Pyza rhymes from spring to winter.)
— Come on, that's nonsense! Hyde Park is Hyde Park, but it should make at least a little sense. Maybe instead of this you could write a couple of sensible articles. Besides, why edit such a rag? Though those first pieces were actually pretty good (by low standards).

— Fine, let's start HYDE PARK without an introduction...

This story is based on actual events and concerns society as a whole.

BUCKETFUL OF MULTI-INDUSTRY NEWS

The biology teacher (Mały's teacher) said:

— Eat your lettuce, children, because it contains lots of vitamin E, which boosts male potency.

The teacher said this to a seventh-grade class. Incidentally, she was right.

The usefulness of wax crayons in social life

Do wax crayons have any significance in human relationships? Are they useful in family planning? Can crayons prevent the arms race around the world?

A few people picked at random answered these questions.

Zdzicha Zżeńska from Otwock — 52, cleaner of flat surfaces.

— In my opinion, sir, these crayons have caused quite a mess in the relationship between parents and children. My Ania, sir, when she gets hold of those crayons, I can't get her to go and brush her teeth. I tell her, “Ania, time for Colgate,” and she says, “I'm still drawing.” Honestly, sir, all those crayon factories, I'd send them all to the devil...

— Thank you, ma'am.

Dr Gerwazy Trzustka from Wyra Górnego, psychologist, 41.

— Given the self-preservation instinct that shapes a young person's mind, crayons in the hands of adults stir up an uncontrollable urge in children to use them. Even at school age, children fall into a dangerous habit they can't break. I was shocked to learn that dealers are already appearing in preschools!

They offer the first dose of crayons for free, and it leads to addiction. With coloured pencils, there is still some hope, but it takes strong willpower. Wax crayons, on the other hand, have their colouring material right on the surface, with nothing protecting it, which leads to overdosing. It's astonishing that schoolchildren can use up four or five crayons a day. An adult, meanwhile, can manage no more than two.

F.G. (name known to the editors) — addicted, 17.

— My first crayon was a pink one, given to me by a friend. I was eight at the time. He promised me wonderful experiences. I was young and foolish. I gave in.

At first it was fun, but after a while, all hell broke loose. My schoolwork suffered, I often shut myself in my room, and my parents rejected me. I had no one left to live for. I decided to kick the damn habit. People!!! Don't let crayons take over your lives!!!

We kindly ask you to donate to help people with addictions. Please send any contributions to the editorial office.

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And on that optimistic note, we'd like to wrap things up.

Material collected by: Mały, Scalman, Kriss, Pyza, Duff