Brian Sewell's ZX-Art Gallery

Brian Sewell's ZX-Art Gallery

GOOD DAY, PEASANTS

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Hello, I'm Brian Sewell, and I'd like to elucidate the hidden meanings of some superior specimens of ZX-Art. We begin with Gary Linekar's Superstar Soccer, by Gremlin Graphics. Please do press a key when ready.

Here we can see a splendid example of an artist that has no time for the pettifogging business of convention. This portrait eschews the standard artistic dogma that expects a portrait to bear a passing resemblance to its subject.

Instead, it transmogrifies Gary, whom is a footballer I gather, into a twisted, almost neanderthalic, homunculous. Note the eyes are in full shadow, betraying sinister thoughts and perverse mal-intent.

The elongation of the skull's parietal area is an obvious reference to human evolution, past, present and future; so in many ways this is a depiction of the everyman - it represents each and every one of us. This is not a picture - it is a window to the soul.

Now we have 'Hysteria' by Software Projects. The suggestions of the unseen groin area is an obvious reference to Rembrandt's 'The Night Watch', in which we are forced to acquiesce to symbolism in order to perceive the artist's message loud and proud.

Such visceral expression could never be achieved by merely pasting a porn star's head to a bodybuilder's torso - this is intentional, and clever, obfuscation. Ingenius. In case you are in any doubt, the protagonist is clearly about to empty his spunk-chucker.

Krakout by Gremlin. This diorama is redolant of the angular chaos encapsulated in Picasso's 'Guernica', but there is no subtext here - it is pure pseudo-quasi-Jungian Freud. The grasped cyan truncheon represents your tumescent bellend, and the maurauding red monster is your mother's growler. We should move on.

Phantis by Dinamic.
TITS! This picture is all about tits. The little green guy is staring at the conventionally attractive Ladies' tits. The even smaller green guy in the middle is a vulgar simulacrum of the tits.

Simply beastly.

And I'm pleased to say we can finish with something rather special. Here we have 'Chronos' by Mastertronic. It's incredible how such a simple monochrome image can be so pregnant with emotion. To stand in front of this picture is to be gifted, but there is no denying that it has a deeply oppressive presence.

The receiver can only see eyes and an outline, but there is a palpable sense that more lurks beneath the surface. Perhaps one day we will be able to apply advanced technologies to drill more deeply into this image.

Thankyou. And good night.