JOKES
Walking through the woods, looked Stirlitz
in the hollow. He looked at someone's eyes.
- Woodpecker - thought Stirlitz.
- Sam you woodpecker - thought Mueller.
- Stirlitz, you Jew! I'll have to shoot you! - Shouted Mueller.
- Not true! I'm Russian! - Replied Stirlitz.
Walking along the corridor, Stirlitz slightly
pushed open the door of his office Bormann. The door is not
opened. Stirlitz pushed harder. The same result. Then Stirlitz
ran up and ruffian Plunged in at the door with his shoulder.
The door did not open. - Shut up - decided Stirlitz.
Stirlitz left home and came across
bitches.
- You went home, the girls - said
Stirlitz
- War all the same ...
Stirlitz woke up about two.
- Nice girl - reasoned to myself
Stirlitz, watching as both dress and
give himself up.
It is worth all of Dreiser. Grandmother runs.
- Daughters, what we stand for?
- For Dreiser.
- What's that, like Staples?
Returns home wife of a well-deserved academic and says:
- We stood today for Dreiser, and one
uneducated grandmother says Dreiser
like staples.
Come in, agitated and academician with sorrow confessed to
his wife:
- Do you know, darling, to my shame
I must admit that I did not Staples
read.
*
Issue of the Armenian Radio.
- Where a woman has appendicitis?
- How do you come - to the left.
- At what time a decent girl should go to bed?
- The best in six to ten to
be home.
- Whether to change the Eve to Adam?
- Ask! While still in school were taught - people descended
from the apes.
- What is different from the optimistic pessimist?
- A pessimist drinks Armenian cognac and says "smells like
bugs." Optimist crushes bugs and says, "Armenian cognac smells."
- What if my wife just sat down on the neck?
- Do not worry: in the hands of her to wear more
heavier.
- What is the most effective remedy
from sex-bomb?
- Sex-seekers.
- What to do: my husband scolds me every day
taste good for lunch?
- Lunch, a woman will be tastier if
cook them twice a week.
- Interestingly, the journalists of "Armenian Radio" subscribe
to national newspapers? - Do you really think that we go to
the bathroom with a microphone?
- Can I get married at forty with a little?
- You can, but it's better in the twenty-five large.
- Is there life on Mars?
- And there are not.
- What to do if the wife's mother attacked by a tiger?
- Sam attacked, and defended himself let.
The desert tortoise crawling drunk.
Towards a camel. Turtle says:
- You have that here, ice?
- No.
- Why all the sand sprinkled?
Gus wakes up on Christmas Eve and asked a neighbor to the
Coop: - Interestingly, this is me all night apple
dreamed?
Two drug addicts stop the taxi driver:
- Man, three to the station dovezesh?
- Drove! So since you two!
- I figeyu, man, and you che, do not go?
Examination in Russian literature in the Ukrainian school.
Lecturer (P) and student (S):
A: Well, tell us about the work of Turgenev's "Mumu."
Y: Well, from, live sobi nimy laborer,
on im'ya Gerasim, i have Bulo nogo tsutsenyatko
on ymennya Mumu ...
P: Just a minute, dear, exam
Russian literature, and you, please reply in Russian.
Y: Zachekayte, zachekayte, at a time you bude
on rosiyskiy. So on one once they tsutsenya partake of the
master of ass [sorry - out of songs words not throw], i master
punished Gerasim vtopiti tsutsenyatko have richtsi ...
P: I'll repeat again - exam
Russian literature, answer in Russian
language.
Y: That zachekayte Wee whether weasels, at a time
bude to rosiyskiy. So on, uzyav Gerasim
tsutsenyatko have sailed the boat i iz it vid coast, and the
Dali throwing Yogo in water ...
P: All that's enough, or do you talk about at
Russian or I put you to deuce.
Y: That zachekayte, kazhu you at once bude
on rosiyskiy. Throwing Gerasim tsutsenyatko in
richku and vono, bidnesenke, vchepilosya paws for the boat, and
wonder at the sight of the PRSPs Gerasimos i Kazhe on vashiy
poganiy rosiyskiy movi: "Why ?"...
Once upon a time, many complained about the lack of
understanding of the Ukrainian language:
nimy - dumb
laborer - a serf
im'ya - name
Bulo - was
a nogo - he
tsutsenyatko - puppy, dog
ymennya - nickname
zachekayte - wait
at a time - now
punishing - ordered
vtopiti - drown
y richtsi - in the river
whether weasel - please
swam - swam
Dali - more
throwing - tossed
bidnesenke - poor things, misfortune
Noe
vchepilosya - clinging
marveled - looked
PRSPs - Sad, tearful
eyes - Galazov
Kazhe - says
vashiy - your
poganiy - trash
movi - Language
Funeral. Friend - Relative:
- Who is buried?
- Mother in law ...
- What died?
- Mushrooms poison ...
- A Th so blue?
- Yes, there's not wanted!
Muzhchina pervy paz letit nA camolete and
nemnogo nervnichaet. Pocmotrev in illyuminatop,
povopachivaetcya to cocedu: - Cmotrite, people at the bottom
takie malenkie, HOW muravi!
- IT'S muravi and ect - we DO NOT esche vzleteli.
Devushka:
- Bctrechaemcya 7 vechepa, tam zhe. And if ye
Whosoever, verily from nac opazdaet ...
- Papen: "... verily I podozhdu
International Congress in Paris. K
porter suits Picasso.
- You know, I - Picasso, but I forgot
gostinnica invitation, you do not miss it?
- Can you prove that you really Picasso?
- Please. - Sat on the step, and for 5
minutes, drew a portrait of the doorman.
- Come in, monsieur. Is Furtseva.
- You know, I - Furtseva, Minister of Culture of the USSR, but
unfortunately I forgot to pass in the hotel, you will not miss
me so? - Can you prove that you really Minister of Culture of
the USSR? That's up to you Picasso took place here, he also
forgot to pass, but he painted a portrait of me, and I
immediately convinced that this is really it. - Who is Picasso?
- Come in, ma'am.
Two men fighting:
- Do you really sleep with my wife?
- Well, slept ...
- If I had a gun, I would have
shot, if I had a knife, if
to the knife was, I'd killed you!
- And you my gored ....
Two drug addict in the attic. Pricked.
One another:
- Look out the window flew the crocodile! At the entrance one
policeman to another: - Go into the attic, urging addicts.
Just see the crocodile in the box flew!
Rides addict in the bus. Nearby is an old woman and a
sailor. The old woman gives the addict a ticket and asked to
pass on. Addict sailor: - Soldier, tell the ticket.
- I'm not a soldier, I - a sailor. Addict old lady:
- Breakup, Grandma: we're on board!
A knock at the door.
- Hto there?
- Carney rozshuk (Criminal Investigation)
- Hikogo dumb vdoma.
- A hto to say?
- Speaking Kiiv, visimnadtsat Godyna ten hvylin.
Wife (husband): I'll go wash my pocudu, and you
until ickupay daughter. HUSBAND: Okay. Spuctya some time out of
the bathroom razdayutcya wild cries my daughter. WIFE vce
brocaet, runs in bathroom and sees this picture: Husband of
volocy whips her daughter in the bathroom, and she ictoshno
yells. WIFE: What are you, a monster, doing? Why volocy for?
HUSBAND: Yes! And you porobuy The record in this boiling water!
Daisy and knapweed flower in a forest glade.
- Chamomile, you love me?
- I love you.
- Do you want me to do?
- I want to.
- Hurry, these bees have arrived!
Lecture at the Agricultural Institute. Professor:
- A healthy sire must
have a day to twelve copulations ...
A woman's voice from the first row:
- Excuse me, Professor, how much?
- Up to twelve.
- Repeat, please, for the last
series! A male voice from the last row:
- Tell me, professor, we are talking about intercourse with a
cow or a twelve? - With twelve, of course ...
- Thank you, again, please for the first row ...
The husband returns home, his wife does not know
to hide her lover. At the last moment she guesses put it at
kitchen in the form of an antique statue.
- What is it? - Asks the husband.
- I have seen and Petrovs also bought. Now it is in vogue! We
went to bed at night my husband stood up, walked to the kitchen
to make tea, sandwiches and offered "the statue." - Is there
something you want? - Aha ...
- Eat, you know, when Petrovs stood - no
a skunk did not care ...
Run rabbits in the woods, see - moose. They surround the
moose and ask: - "Tough to eat?".
- "No" - are responsible moose.
- "Then, with each of five and free
...".
The next day, running rabbits, meet
All the same moose.
- "Tough to eat?"
- "No."
- "From each according to five and free."
Zamayalis moose and went to the wolf.
- "The Wolf, will we cool?"
- "No problem, guys, I will." The next day, running rabbits in
the woods, meet elk.
- "Tough to eat?".
- "There!" Elk rastupayutsya goes
wolf. Rabbits make way, goes the bear.
- "So, from steep steward, with the rest of the top five!"
Man comes to the zoo - to work
ustraivatsya.Tam looking at work record
and taschutsya: jobs - to the f-f-fig!
- Well, how did you so?
- You know, I'm so slow, nothing
no time ...
- Well, will watch for turtles.
In the morning come to the zoo, see: cells are open, not turtle
in a cage sits Moosic. - What's done to me gee!
- Morning I opened the cage, and they both lomanut ...
Worm-cyn cprashivaet worm-mom:
- Mom, Dad and where?
- I went to c the peasants catching fish ...
A guy catches a fish. Sees float Steels
jitter.
"Sooner podcekat, puct swallow," - thinking man. Float Steels
has a strongly kolebatcya.
"Sooner, puct probably swallow," - thinking man. Poplovok
ckrylcya under water, Rod - arc. A man excitedly podcekaet and
drags the bait on cebya. Worm flies out of the water and
yelling: - Man, are you stunned? I was a little fish
not celi!
Konchilic a peasant worms. What should I do?
Found a sliver and it napical:
"Kracny worm."
Only zabrocil bait - immediately bite. Napryagaetcya guy,
drags ... Look and this log. And it nadpic:
"Awesome bream.
TU-154 flying over the Pacific Ocean, it
talking two passengers:
- You know, I'm terribly unlucky - like flying in
plane, so he drops food on the train - in
him any airline flies ... Just said - is a flight attendant:
- "Comrades, our plane crashes in okean.Odente lifejackets,
and now we will give you a whistle to scare away the sharks. "
- Well, what I said? Now or whistle will not get a shark or a
deaf will fall! ..
Drug lomanylsya on rybalky. Walked, walked and
remembered that the worms are not dug out. Climbed into
hemp field, dug a worm, and further shypyet. At beregy planted
the worm on the hook and in vody ...
After 5 seconds the worm crawls out of the fishing line:
- Bro, in natyre you cho do? They
Well I pokysayut!
Addict podalcya school teacher. On
first lesson cprashivaet:
- Children who ckazhet me how birds fly?
Someone said:
- Kocyakom.
- Who File Type? Ivanov? Five!
- And ctaey.
- Two ball to you. What's your name?
- Konaplev.
- Konaplev? Five stars!
Chapay Petya and drink vodka. Suits
Furmanov:
- Wow! Vodka! I would be the third!
- No - the fourth. Three we have already sent
Manager:
- Attention, board 135, call for a link!
- On-board 135 per connection!
- Connect to the microphone first pilot.
- It is impossible, the first pilot was drunk.
- Then the second pilot ...
- The second pilot was drunk.
- Give the then commander!
- A commander was taken to a sobering yet
on the ground.
- And who to talk to me?
- I-uk! Av-a-vtop-pilot!
Two drug addict in a trench cidyat. They fells
tank. One another:
- Matthew! Throw a grenade ......
- Scrap ......
- Matthew! Tank is close ...... can crush ......
- Well it ...... Tank octanavlivaetcya,
vycovyvaetcya tankict and said drug addicts:
- Guys, throw a grenade, a scrap more to go ........
